tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post686197842796899548..comments2023-07-15T00:49:06.852-07:00Comments on asexy beast: The Date...That Wasn'tIlyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12795337226989102549noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-3451602209146318852011-04-11T22:22:23.751-07:002011-04-11T22:22:23.751-07:00@2nd Anon: Hooyeah. I haven't been on a dati...@2nd Anon: Hooyeah. I haven't been on a dating site in a few years, and don't plan on returning. Aside from Acebook :)Ilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12795337226989102549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-29357761289317252862011-04-11T20:27:44.518-07:002011-04-11T20:27:44.518-07:00It sounds like you're not caught up on the nor...It sounds like you're not caught up on the norms for dating sites. People who post on dating sites expect to date. If you meet someone on a dating website, it is fair to assume they are interested in finding someone to date. <br /><br />It's common to go on non-date outings with somebody from a dating website before actually doing something that feels more like a date, just to see if you like them as a person before trying to date them. But when people meet on dating websites, it's usually understood that these more platonic activities are "warm-ups" to actual dates.<br /><br />If you want to avoid awkward situations and/or hurting some guy's feelings, dating sites might not be a good fit. Have you thought of trying to find friends through an activity or something like that? Taking a class, forming a running group, or volunteering are great ways to find people who just want to be friends, and don't expect to date. Sometimes you can even find groups like this on sites like Craigslist. But if you keep going on dating websites, chances are that this will keep happening to you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-57738594581925293562011-04-01T23:08:42.485-07:002011-04-01T23:08:42.485-07:00Well. I'm 29 and I've only gone on 8 dates...Well. I'm 29 and I've only gone on 8 dates in my whole life. With 4 guys. All of whom I felt absolutely nothing for including the last guy who tried to pressure me into making out with him when I was clearly uncomfortable with doing so and when I had made it clear at the start that I was looking for someone who was interested in being friends first. There just doesn't seem to be an appropriate time to announce that you're really not interested in sex at all and just want to have a relationship without it but with the other romancey stuff. I think for the most part it wouldn't go over well.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-4718369117183499962011-03-06T16:34:02.455-08:002011-03-06T16:34:02.455-08:00@Southpaw: Come to think of it...I don't thin...@Southpaw: Come to think of it...I don't think asexuals dating asexuals is inherently less awkward than asexuals dating non-aces. Because we still might have vastly different ideas of how quickly we'd want to jump into romantic stuff. And of course some of us can't live without cuddling/touching and others can't stand it, so that might have to be negotiated instead of sex. <br /><br />In your situation it also seems like there was a lot of pressure-- here's someone who you know likes you, but you only have a very limited time to spend with them and to figure out your feelings. Personally I feel like pressure always leads to greater awkwardness.Ilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12795337226989102549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-67446741846023493202011-03-06T11:52:35.290-08:002011-03-06T11:52:35.290-08:00I can relate to this SO well. XD
The first time a...I can relate to this SO well. XD <br />The first time a (sexual) guy asked me out, I just panicked and made up some excuse about how I needed to focus on school & not dating- it was completely out of the blue- I was so unprepared!!<br /><br />But I'm also ridiculously awkward with other asexuals. XD; Ah- it's so bad...I think I might be demi (pan)romantic because...I mean, I get crushes ("squishes") but I don't often want to DO anything about it. This girl who had a crush on me visited for the weekend and I really wanted to like her, but I was just....really awkward. She asked me out and I just- panicked. XD Except I was in a public place so I couldn't just run away so easily like you were able to. But anyway, yeah. Me an' dating....are really.....really awkward....Southpawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-67539288014448984622011-03-02T20:09:13.896-08:002011-03-02T20:09:13.896-08:00@ Miss Paramecium: That guy sounds kind of annoyin...@ Miss Paramecium: That guy sounds kind of annoying. The whole point of flirting is that it's supposed to be fun and spontaneous, so if you're flirting under duress, doesn't it defeat the purpose?<br /><br />@ Woozle: Not that I know of, although it could be a cool addition to some of the ace dating sites that already exist. It's something I'd have trouble filling out with no specific person in mind though, because it would all depend on how comfortable I was with the person. Uh...you could always make a list yourself, and fill it out with people you're dating? I think that would be kind of fun, actually. There's a similar, extensive list on Scarleteen:<br /><br />http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/yes_no_maybe_so_a_sexual_inventory_stocklist<br /><br />Some items are sexual; some aren't.Ilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12795337226989102549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-18092729704492871062011-03-02T17:01:05.720-08:002011-03-02T17:01:05.720-08:00I'm wondering if there is such a thing as a no...I'm wondering if there is such a thing as a nondating/friendship site where individuals can choose what sorts of expressions-of-affection they are comfortable with (and under what circumstances) --<br />* kissing? (face? cheek? hand?)<br />* hugging?<br />* casual touching?<br />* nonsexual intimate touching (e.g. under the shirt but not in the pants)?<br />* holding hands? (in public, or just in private?)<br />...and so on. (Not to mention other questions like "are you looking for long-term companionship?" -- things that tend to be part of the dating package but aren't very well addressed outside of it.)<br /><br />My first thought is that this would be truly awesome if there was such a thing, but I imagine the reality will turn out to be less ideal. (But still... if there is one, where is it?)Woozlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17948248776908775080noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-8153966030972971932011-03-02T05:39:54.677-08:002011-03-02T05:39:54.677-08:00You're right. I guess I'm sounding way too...You're right. I guess I'm sounding way too dramatic sometimes.<br />And regarding the romance paranoia, I was mainly thinking about a certain guy (and the type he represents) in my class who's flirty by default, to anyone, and that causes me to be grumpy by default, and now we're some kind of running gag, as in, when will he get me to flirt back?<br />It's not all that dramatic, but I just know that, if I were sexual, I would probably handle it differently.<br />I'm not even talking about rejecting someone. It's more like, "it's okay, you can do this, but I will do that instead", and that is why no one really gets it, because I am responding in an alien language. Or something like that.<br /><br />Whatever, live is awesome.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-4765438972908382952011-03-01T18:39:20.473-08:002011-03-01T18:39:20.473-08:00@Sciatrix: I think it's probably happened to ...@Sciatrix: I think it's probably happened to most people at one time or another. It almost happened to me a second time, but the guy asked, "So...do you date?" and I was able to say, "You know what? Actually, no."Ilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12795337226989102549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-83236519749469755572011-03-01T17:20:21.796-08:002011-03-01T17:20:21.796-08:00Oh, uh... actually I can relate to that, because I...Oh, uh... actually I can relate to that, because I did pretty much the same thing the one and only time I've been asked out. Which was to be completely blindsided and panick because I had just thought, you know, I was talking to this guy as a friend and totally was not thinking about romance at all. <br /><br />Learning how to politely say "no" and have that respected, without having to expect the person to react awkwardly or badly... well. That would be a really awesome thing to have.Sciatrixhttp://www.writingfromfactorx.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-12227933663707230762011-03-01T14:42:02.645-08:002011-03-01T14:42:02.645-08:00@Carolyn: You're completely right, there is no...@Carolyn: You're completely right, there is no right way to tell someone you're not into them (although I think you come pretty close with the snorkel story). I think it's so much better to just get the words out there, even if they're not perfect (because they probably never will be), but of course it's easier said than done.Ilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12795337226989102549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-56234714752642030802011-03-01T14:33:48.696-08:002011-03-01T14:33:48.696-08:00@Miss Paramecium:
However, once I start meetin...@Miss Paramecium: <br /><br /><i> However, once I start meeting new people, I'll be constantly wondering how to break the news to them without being awfully "in your face". I mean, if he starts to get all romantic on your porch it's too late and feelings will be hurt, but you can't start every conversation with "btw, I'm totally not into sex, nice meeting you." </i><br /><br />I meet new people (sometimes), but I can't say that I worry so much about this. No matter how awesome you are, not everyone is going to want to get with you romantically. And if it comes up a few times, you'll get better at handling it. I think there's definitely a middle ground between saying "I'm asexual!" too soon and waiting too long. But sometimes as asexuals, I feel like we may have no choice but to be a little "in your face", since asexuality is an option most people won't have considered. And sadly, sometimes hurting someone's feelings can't be helped.Ilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12795337226989102549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-43023977779566262932011-03-01T11:47:45.094-08:002011-03-01T11:47:45.094-08:00I don't think you should be hard on yourself, ...I don't think you should be hard on yourself, or on this fellow either. I would consider myself experienced enough in dating and have still done very similar extremely akward things when trying to reject an advance. There was the time I said "maybe later" and then left the party, there was the time I snuck out while someone was sleeping and never talked to them again, there was time with the phone break-up, the time when someone tried to get me to sit on their lap and I jumped up like their lap was on fire, and of course the one where I did it extremely gracefully and told them their gift of a scuba snorkel seemed to imply we were more then friends and I wanted to keep our relationship platonic. There is just no right way to tell someone you're not into them, running away is just as good as any, I think. Dating, relationships, friends hanging out, basically all human interactions are constantly fraught with akwardness. Such is life.Carolynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13105910803000467429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-57364082167699401002011-03-01T08:16:19.442-08:002011-03-01T08:16:19.442-08:00Now, this is very interesting.
Living in a small ...Now, this is very interesting. <br />Living in a small social circle, I only know friends and friends of friends, so it's not like I could easily find someone who'd like to date me and doesn't know I'm "weird like that". I'm not actually outed, people just think I'm a terrible prude, but since it has the same effect on casual suitors it's not that bothering.<br />However, once I start meeting new people, I'll be constantly wondering how to break the news to them without being awfully "in your face". I mean, if he starts to get all romantic on your porch it's too late and feelings will be hurt, but you can't start every conversation with "btw, I'm totally not into sex, nice meeting you." <br />Adding to your third point, I think most people usually assume a romantic subtext whenever a "boy meets girl" situation occurs. That's just like sexual society thinks. Still, I think it's quite rude to just "force" you into consent like that. Because of this, I'm terribly careful around guys ever since I reached a certain age - even though I would be totally okay with befriending them. It's just that I can feel the sexual subtext creeping in at every opportunity and it frustrates me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-90532647177338439782011-02-28T22:32:42.592-08:002011-02-28T22:32:42.592-08:00@Eli, I'm glad you liked the post! Telling so...@Eli, I'm glad you liked the post! Telling someone you're going to kiss them...I don't think it's too strange. It could be really sweet, depending on how it's said. I might prefer it over someone just making faces at me (which, to be honest, sort of freak me out). Yay for dating inexperience! ;)Ilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12795337226989102549noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5223027726680052006.post-73841347185873410022011-02-28T16:42:16.005-08:002011-02-28T16:42:16.005-08:00This is so great. I'll be 26 ina few months, a...This is so great. I'll be 26 ina few months, and I too have been on only two or three dates-I-knew-were-dates in my life. My first kiss (in January of this year, we should have a dating-inexperience contest) the guy had to ANNOUNCE, "Eli, I'm going to kiss you now," because I just wasn't picking up on signals. And the actual kiss felt incredibly odd. I had a couple of sprint-away moments myself over the next few weeks of dating/kissing. But if I can turn it into a really good story like yours, it will have been worth it!Elihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02407962240747523379noreply@blogger.com