Surpassing the Love of Men

"We have learned to deny such a depth of feeling toward any one but a prospective or an actual mate. Other societies did not demand this kind of suppression."
--Lillian Faderman, 1981

I tried to watch Daytime TV, but once I learned that Jerry Springer's bodyguard has his own show, I fled to my local Hawaiian cafe in fear. For as long as I'm unemployed, I figure I'll be doing quite a bit of reading. Right now, I'm working on Surpassing the Love of Men by Lillian Faderman. Its subtitle is "Romantic friendship and love between women from the Renaissance to the present". I'm only about a third through it, but I can already tell that I'll be recommending this book extremely highly to everyone. For an academic book, it's an easy read, and it's absolutely fascinating, sometimes shocking, and maybe even a little tragic. I'm very glad that someone wrote this book, which is probably one of the highest praises I can give.

Surpassing the Love of Men will make you think, but not in the brain-zapping way of Gender Trouble. It's easy to think that our own time's sexual mores are somehow truer than those of other eras. But Faderman confuses that notion. She spends a lot of time exploring the idea that until the 20th century, all "good women" were completely asexual. Now, all women are sexual. If we were seen as uniquely sexual beings, I would consider that a great improvement. But, we aren't seen that way by our culture at large. Women are still just sex objects, as we've always been. However, in previous times, women could have passionate relationships with each other, and because they were presumed to be asexual, these relationships were encouraged and condoned by society (unlike, perhaps, people's views of lesbianism in 1981?).

While reading about these "romantic friendships", I saw my ideal relationships being described again and again. The famous "Ladies of Llangollen", Eleanor Butler and Sarah Ponsonby, escaped marriage to live happily, inseparably, and asexually together in their own cottage in Wales. But the sad truth is, most women of the age couldn't live out the fantasy of spending their lives with their female beloved, and were forced to marry men. Can we ever win?

There's a short chapter called "The Asexual Woman", but don't get too excited. It's concerned with a court case in which the judges ruled that two women couldn't possibly have sex with each other because it was against their nature and good character. As Faderman reminds us, all women during the 1800s were seen as asexual, unless they were prostitutes, actresses, or hedonistic nobility types. But, this is a book that I think will be of great interest to all asexual people-- and anyone else interested in human relationships. (Which is, purposely, almost everyone.)

Get Auties

We had a meetup on Saturday, and I'm happy to say that it went well. We had 4 people show up, which is twice the number we've been getting lately (I kind of don't want to say that-- can't be revealing our weaknesses! But, at least you know it will be a cozy, welcoming group that you don't have to be intimidated about joining!). I was especially pleased that we had two new people. New people, especially if they're enthusiastic, are probably more important than the number of people alone. Everyone seemed to express some interest in hiking, so I think I'll plan some low-key hiking for our next meetup.
We talked about many interesting things. One of these was an attempt to figure out why some groups seem to have a much harder time organizing than others. One meetup-goer had noticed that bisexuals seem to have an especially difficult time organizing themselves. I have a few theories as to why this might be:

They're already covered in the LGBT umbrella.
They're a more diverse group than Ls or Gs-- they're any gender and some bi folks can pass as straight, while others can't or don't want to.
Many people see bisexuality as being a phase. (For the record, I don't.)

If I had to choose an orientation that was "closest" to asexuality, it would be bisexuality. The diversity of people who so identify is a great strength, but also a barrier to community-building. Evangelical Christians seem to organize effortlessly because they all have similar views. Not so in our case. However, I've noticed another very diverse group that seems to be better at organizing than asexuals are: People on the autistic spectrum. They've had major successes in many places, and I'm learning a lot from some of these groups. For example, there are about 3 autism-related groups that meet in my area, and each of them draws anywhere from 10-30 people per meeting, who sometimes travel very long distances to be there.

I have no idea why autistic people are better at grassroots organizing than asexuals. You'd think that wouldn't be the case, but you'd be incorrect. Maybe it's because autistic folks often need assistance to get by in a society that's built for other people. What I do know is that there are a disproportionate number of autistic spectrum denizens on AVEN. I also know that the autistic spectrum is misunderstood by almost all. Many think autism is a pathology; many autistic folks think it isn't. "Coming out" is an issue for those who can pass as "normal", however, in the case of autism it's called "disclosure". I've heard autistic people call themselves "neuroqueers", and I know that awareness and education are major parts of their movement.
This is starting to sound real familiar, isn't it?

What Do You Want to Hear?

Once, someone asked me if "this" was a date. I wasn't thrilled with the question, since I wasn't then, and still am not, sure how exactly to distinguish an asexual date from a friendly get-together. I replied, "It's whatever you want it to be". I thought that was an answer that no one could possibly argue with, but my companion was extremely annoyed by my non-committal attitude to our meeting. This is one of the reasons why I think it would be edifying to read Is it a Date, or Just Coffee? Apparently, this is a book all about that troublesome question: Is this a date? If anything, just the idea that a book like this exists is highly amusing. It's written for lesbians, but I wonder if female As could pick up an insight or two. I'll add it to my (very long) list...

And I have to say, San Francisco's best asexual publicity effort right now is probably my resume, which has AVEN on it. Seriously, hundreds of people are going to be seeing that thing...

We See 3,000 Ads a Day

Quite a while ago, I was directed to a video of a lecture by Jean Kilbourne. It was an update of her findings since her groundbreaking documentary Killing Us Softly aired in 1979. Kilbourne has apparently made a career out of analyzing the havoc that advertising wreaks on the self-images of women and girls. I know that advertising is annoying and invasive, but I'll be the first to admit that I've never really thought about its effects on how I see myself. Everyone thinks they're impervious to advertising, but is that really the case? The video, which you can see here, is engaging, funny, and highly recommended. That ads are damaging to our body image is well-known by now. What I hadn't realized was advertising's rigorous pushing of all things heteronormative. Kilbourne says:

Advertising does sell products of course, but it also sells a great deal more than products. It sells values, it sells images, it sells concepts of love and sexuality, of romance, of sucess, and perhaps most importantly, of normalcy.

Here's a shocking ad for you to look at while you ponder all this:



"She was asking for it! Shop at JCPenney!" I found the above image at a very interesting site called Gender Ads, which teaches you how to analyze the layers of meaning found in advertisements. It's worth checking out. In her lecture, Kilbourne shows us an ad with the headline, "You have the right to remain sexy!" She says:

You have the right to remain sexy. Which, according to this ad, really means "the right to be a sex object". The right to be passive, the right to have our sexuality defined in a rigid, shallow, extremely limiting and cliched way.

Selling images of sex to asexuals won't make us buy a product, but selling us images of sex as universal will make us buy into standards we can't meet. If I can, I'll try not to let ads just wash over me, but to really look and understand them. Just like we can choose what kind of oversized energy drink to buy, we can also choose what parts of society's "guidelines" we buy into. We're told, in some part by advertising, that we can't. That's why so many asexuals, and myriad other sorts of people, think there's something wrong with them. But here's what JCPenney doesn't want you to know: We can. At least, I'd like to think so...

Relax, I'm With the Panel

Tomorrow morning, at an ungodly hour, I'm speaking on a panel for San Francisco Sex Information. I did it last year, and had a hard time figuring out what exactly to talk about, but hey, they wanted me to come back anyway! My fellow panelists and I will be representing different "relationship styles" for the benefit of a group of sex educators in training. While my status is single and my orientation is A, I have no idea what my relationship style is. While some people I've talked to think my relationship style is "asexual", I'm not sure that's accurate. Every asexual person I know seems to be in a vastly different relationship situation, and is looking for very different things. Maybe I'm like the ODB of asexuality, since there is apparently no father to my style. Huh...

Facing the Giant

I knew that at some point, I'd have to take my meetup publicity to the streets. For whatever reason, there's never been enough people on AVEN that are interested in San Francisco meetups. So I did the eventual today-- posted on Craigslist. Here's what I wrote, and if you're setting up meetups elsewhere, feel free to steal it:

Headline:
Asexual People, Unite!

Text:
Asexuality is an orientation in which people don't experience sexual attraction to anyone. In our culture, being A can sometimes be an isolating experience. This is why it's so important that we form a local community of fellow asexuals to support each other. I'm the organizer of local meetups. Originally, these started as an offshoot of AVEN, whose online presence is at www.asexuality.org. However, I know there are other A folks who aren't on AVEN that would like to meet up, and this is my attempt to find some of you. Our next meetup is taking place on Saturday, May 3rd at 2pm in San Francisco. If you want to attend, please e-mail me with a little about yourself, and I'll let you in on the location. This is just my attempt to keep the meetups a safe space for all involved. Allies and questioning asexuals are always welcome. If you have questions about the basics of asexuality, please visit AVEN online. Thanks for reading!

If we can get one or two new people from this, that would be fabulous!

Glittering Prizes For Me

I gave 2 weeks' notice at my job today. You might see more of me around here. I'll no doubt be spending more time writing, trying to get more people to read my writing, and working on my ukulele cover of "The Glittering Prizes". Oh yeah, and looking for a better job, too. It was after I quit that I realized how much my job really was like a relationship. Just change the pronouns:

"But he loves me!"
"But he's so nice!" Corollary: "He's so nice to me, I don't deserve him."
"We've been together for such a long time."
"I should have tried harder to make it work."
"Anything's better than being alone."
"What if he's the best I can do?" Corollary: "What if I never find anyone else?"

All those doubts and excuses, when the truth is: It was exciting at first, but now the thrill is gone. I'm not in love, and I want to be. Some people do love their jobs, and I wish we could all be included in this number.

In other news, I finished Gender Trouble. What prize do I get? My favorite quote was at the very end:

The loss of "the normal", however, can be its own occasion for laughter, especially when "the normal", "the original" is revealed to be a copy, and an inevitably failed one, an ideal that no one can embody. In this sense, laughter emerges in the realization that all along the original was derived. (pg. 176)

I don't know about you, but rarefied ideals of "normal" have plagued me for much too long. It's only recently that I've begun to separate "normal" from "common". Being asexual is not abnormal; it only might seem that way because it is uncommon. "Normal" will always be a value judgment and an exalted state. "Normal" is always relative, and changes with the whims of our culture. If I could remove one word from the English language, I'd do away with "normal". And we'd live. There's barely anything that rhymes with it, anyway.