This post is about another question asexuals get asked with some frequency:
"If you could become sexual, would you?" is often asked by people in the media, and sometimes asked by other asexuals. Again, there seems to be an assumption underlying this question: That if asexuals were suddenly sexual, our lives would change drastically. However, I'm not so sure that would be the case. Of course, I can't speak for everyone-- maybe some people's lives would be radically altered under that scenario. But let's say, for a moment, I took "the magic pill" and suddenly I was really the heterosexual woman that I'd thought I was before discovering asexuality.
So here I am in this scenario-- I'm sexually attracted to men now. However, I still wouldn't have a sex drive. And I would still be weirded out by the prospect of having sex. Whether my attraction would be strong enough to override that is unknown. I don't think I'd be any more eager to date than I am now, since as I've said before, I'd be a 25-year-old with the dating skills of a 14-year-old. I'd be no better at navigating those confusing social rituals than I am now. I've felt non-sexual attraction before and never acted on it, so why would I suddenly start acting on sexual attraction? And since I'd have lived for 25 years without sex, it wouldn't be astounding for me to live even longer without it, focusing on my other interests like I'd always done. Who I was attracted to would change, but is there any way to know that my priorities would be any different? If I'd always been straight, maybe I would be a different person now. But this is about questions people ask, and "What if you'd never been asexual?" is not one of them. Am I making any sense here?
I think this question also speaks to the way that people, sexual and asexual alike, tend to overemphasize our differences and downplay our similarities. The media tends to not help at all when it comes to elucidating this point. However, what I tried to show in my example is that these radical differences aren't necessarily the case. In some cases? Sure, but not all. There are sexual people who don't have sex, who have no sex drive, who are repulsed by sex, who are aromantic, etc. And I've seen people in all these categories post on AVEN. And then there are the apparently vast troves of non-asexuals who are just not obsessed with sex. Like us, these people are rarely portrayed in media or pop culture either. I'm not saying that the people of the world are going to get together and start a love train any time soon, but I just wanted to raise the idea that "being sexual" may not imply being all that different.
14 comments:
I wish I could just become asexual.
I've always been confused by trying to figure out what I'd be like if I was straight. Asexuality is my sexuality, all other aspects are linked to it in some way. Like, if I was somebody else, I wouldn't be me, so I'd just be ANYbody else.
The question just doesn't make sense.
(Though I highly suspect, at the moment, that nor do I)
Tuuli...I've heard people say the same thing on AVEN before, and I gotta say, I don't understand that viewpoint. Asexuality has its own problems that come with it, just like anything else.
Yay, SM, that's the point I was trying to make...that the question makes no sense. :-)
For me, sexuality would be an unwelcome intrusion because, at 22 years old, my personality is already fully formed.
I've come to be defined by my role as the "safe" guy friend, and if I suddenly started being sexually attracted to the women in my life, it would change and hurt the established relationships.
Sexual males are expected to have male buddies and one permanent female partner. As an asexual, I have multiple female friends but no male buddies and certainly no steady girlfriend/wife. I'd be a fish out of water trying to adjust to this new paradigm, where girls can't be "just friends" anymore without arousing the jealousy/suspicion of my sexual wife.
Not only that, but after 22 years without sexual feelings, I don't WANT to be sexual. It's icky to me. I don't want to become sexual any more than a straight man wants to become gay.
Possible Typo: 'That if asexuals were suddenly asexual, our lives would change drastically.' Do you mean 'suddenly sexual'?
You've managed to put my opinions and more into one succint and coherent post. Very well written.
Thanks Jicca! Glad you caught that typo-- I fixed it.
Forester, you're right that for asexuals, being asexual is our natural state...it's not like there's another orientation lurking underneath. Your statement about being sexual as "icky" could be construed as a jab at everyone else's orientation...you probably didn't mean it that way, but I'm becoming convinced that the term "sexual people" can cause confusion.
Being sexual definitely doesn't make things easy; dating is awkward for everyone. I think you really hit on something when you point out that suddenly becoming sexual wouldn't change anything else about you--you wouldn't magically become more confident or knowledgeable or attractive to others. We've talked about the Fantasy of Being Thin before, and this is just the same thing.
Thanks--it's always a good feeling to know I hit something, as long as it is not with my head ;-)
Oh, no. I meant nothing derogatory. I said it would be "icky TO ME" (ie, in my personal perception). Not that sex is intrinsically icky, or anything. But in my experience, sexual situations were very uncomfortable.
I should be more careful with my choice of words.
Though it's ironic that a day after posting that, I felt jealous of sexual people while observing a friend of mine with her new girlfriend. For a second there, I really felt left out by being ace.
I guess the other man's grass is always greener?
tuuli, why would you say that? I clicked on your profile and it says you're a pansexual trans woman. Did you make your comment about becoming asexual because of frustration with your current identity? Let me tell you one thing: I have ''fluid sexuality'' meaning it changes over time. I've been straight, bi gay and I'm now asexual and you know whats one thing I've learned? Being unaccepting of your own sexuality is a 100% garuntee to be unhappy and you should make the most of your sexuality and gender identity no matter what and celebrate your differences.
read my blog :) asexualtension.blogspot.com
I completely agree, I've been saying this for years, "Even if I wanted to/had the option I wouldn't have tools necessary to act on any desires/impulses" or for a less formal retort "Do really want a drunken eleven year old trying to pick you up?"
No worries, Forester...it can be easy to misunderstand people on the 'net sometimes...I'm the queen of emoticons, and although I vowed to never use them in my main posts, I decided I could use them in comments. :-) I can relate to feeling left out, too. Being part of such a small group isn't easy.
Inhuman, it's always good to see more asexual blogs. Want to trade links?
Noskcaj, good to see others on the same page :-) I don't think I've ever had the chance to use the retort you mentioned, but I'll keep it in mind...
Ily, for sure !! I'll add you to my link-list ;)
I'm asexual, and I never ever would take the "magic pill" even if it existed.
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