Monday, July 12, 2010

How About We...

It's a waste that I don't date, but not for the reason most people might think. The truth is, I often have what I would consider good ideas for dates, but no romantic interests to try them out on. Then I read in the New York Times that there's a new online dating site where people are "matched" by suggesting date ideas. It's called How About We. I think that at the moment, it only covers New York, and even if it didn't, I am rubbish at online dating. However, I have to admit that this is one of the better mainstream dating-site concepts that I've seen. One issue is that when I chose to search for "women and men", it automatically put "Bi-sexual" on my profile (yes, with a hyphen). But aside from that, focusing on an activity might be beneficial to asexual daters. Your date might not get laid, but hey, at least they didn't have to play miniature golf and eat fondue alone. Online daters can be really intense, and meeting over an activity just seems a lot more casual to me.

Anyway, I entered a New York zip code so that I could view some of the dates that people were suggesting. Here's a selection:
  • "How about we... go to the botanical gardens and try and spot people that look like their dog." A man after my own heart.
  • "How about we... do something super active/healthy and then completely negate it with leisure/gluttony." Someone figures themselves a study in contrasts.
  • "How about we... wander around all the bad neighborhoods in the city until we get mugged and/or assaulted and then we can bond in the police station as we file a report." So...ladies?
  • "How about we... paint watercolors on the brooklyn bridge at dusk." Actually, that sounds kind of cool.
However, even I know that dates aren't exciting because of the activity, but because you might encounter someone you have chemistry with. Under the surface of How About We is the certainty that a lot of these really cool date ideas will end up being snoozefests at the best, because the people involved didn't end up getting along. Knowing that, maybe I should try to make my dream date activities a reality with some of the people in my life who I already know and like. While meeting mysterious strangers for "bocce ball and drinking wine from paper cups" might have a unique appeal, doing that activity with a good friend can have advantages of its own. And it sure beats my usual activity suggestion: "I dunno, whadda you wanna do?"

14 comments:

SlightlyMetaphysical said...

More friend-dates, definately. I've been meaning to pioneer the non-sexual one night stand as soon as my social skills are up to it.

I've been thinking recently about those times when it just goes- when you know that, with these people, in this place, you're having an experience, a moment. It can't be manufactured, but I think there has to be the right blend of spontenaity and organisation- so that you actually get to something that you can be spontaneous about.

And I need to start being better at organising for that, trying to help spontenaety to happen in the most interesting way possible.

Ily said...

I'm right with you in terms of "those moments" you mention. They're some of my best memories. Although I really don't know how to create them. I find something kind of sad about those moments, too. Because they're sort of my equivalent of romantic experience, but rather than starting a relationship or something like that, the moments just end. And the other person might not have even realized how cool the moment was. I dunno, I hope that wasn't too depressing. I hope you'll keep us posted on your progress...

SlightlyMetaphysical said...

I think everyone who feels that feels sort of sad. It's humbling, and it's fleeting. It's like the silence behind a room full of laughter.

But it especially sucks for aromantics, because it's expected, even enforced, that people are like "YAY! BEST THING EVER!" about their romantic relationships, but not that way about their friendships.

I'm writing a blog post inspired by this as we speak, but I've been thinking about using more polyamory theory in my aromance. One of the things that really hit me very recently was that I read "We polyamorous people need to find other ways to judge the success of a relationship than longevity", and I realised I'd been nodding along to it while failing to apply it to my own relationships. A fleeting friendship can be deep.

Ily said...

Yep...one of the things I liked about being in a sorority was how people seemed to be more emotive about their friendships. The whole "I LOVE YOU, MAN!"-type thing. I don't see that kind of expression as much, now. I'm not usually all that open with my emotions, so if I suddenly started telling a friend how much I cared about them, they might find it really abrupt and weird. I try to work up to it in small ways, but it's hard when there's no precedent for it. At the end of the day though, I guess it's better to look awkward than to regret things left unsaid. Looking forward to your post.

K said...

Pick a date playing cards - lol I actually have these.

Not completely terrible! Mostly for novelty purposes only, but some suggestions are okay! And if you don't like what one card says, shuffle and draw a new one!

Ily said...

Very nice, that looks fun :-)

Bek said...

Ily, if e're we were to meet, I would be more than happy to be your asexy non-romantic partner in various date-like-but-nevertheless-not dates.

I don't even care if this is a creepy suggestion, for I feel it rests on its own merits (implied disturbing long-distance admiration be damned).

More seriously, though, I can relate to this idea - not necessarily because I can think of potential dates, but rather that I'd very much enjoy the kind of devoted, emotionally intimate yet surprisingly casual relationship almost exclusively associated with romance. I'm not interested in a romantic (or sexual... obviously) partner, but I would like someone with whom I could platonically share my life, and it seems like that kind of relationship is rare and gets yet more so with age.

Ily said...

Nah, that's not creepy, it's a friend-date so our age difference wouldn't matter. Hee hee :-)

It seems like so many asexuals want platonic partners (I do too, although I'd also be cool with a romantic partner). Maybe as our community grows, it'll be easier for us to find these people? Hope so...

Katie said...

I read that article and it made me wish that site had an SF version. I'd sign up for sure.

Ily said...

I know, right? I have the feeling that you'd come up with some excellent date ideas. It'll probably expand...I remember the days when Yelp was Bay Area only ;-)

Lanafactrix said...

What Katie said! Only I'm not single. But I would totally do it to make new friends.

Rainbow Amoeba said...

I'd love to do this, either as a way to get to know people (How About We... thread on the Meetup Mart subforum, anyone?) or as a way to do something special with a friend. Or a squish.

Eli said...

I cackled when I read the "bond in the police station" date.
Love. Eet. I just started reading your blog 2 weeks ago! I realized I was asexual more than 5 years ago, but I didn't know there was a word/orientation for it--I just thought I was different and people were just going to have to be ok with it or else. I've started blogging about being ace on xanga.com/baconic_ironic. I know, right? XANGA. So 2002. Which, incidentally, is when I started it. Anyway, thanks for your nifty way of expressing the complicated coolness of asexuality.

Ily said...

I don't think the site has a friendship "option" although if it did, I think that would be cool. Eli, thanks! I'll check out your blog.