“If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.”
I said to myself that I wouldn't be making New Years resolutions. I'd already made some goals over the summer that I'm still working on; surely those are enough? But apparently I love to resolve things, because I ended up making at least five resolutions on January 1st. Most of them were just things to keep in mind, rather than actual activities. One of them was to stop looking, which I'll explain:
For most of my 26 years, I've been on an epic quest to find community and belonging. I've had successes, failures, and many moments of uncertainty. It's a worthy endeavor, but I feel like I've been going about it with the wrong mindset. And my mindset, I realized, was sort of the non-romantic version of those women in chick lit novels who are obsessed with finding their soulmate. It's set me up to feel like if I don't experience belonging, or a sense of community, that my life is a failure. And I don't think that's any better than thinking that your time is a waste unless you have a romantic partner to share it with.
To those chick lit women, you know how someone always says, "If you want to find love, stop looking?" My goal in 2011 is to "stop looking". Inside my "looking" is also a lot of worrying, because I've been known to worry in lieu of actually looking. I'm aware now that my looking and worrying were my attempts to solve a problem, but they did more harm than good. I worried that if I stopped looking, I would somehow become...wait for it...asocial, but I don't think that's realistic for me. If I want to start looking again in 2012, I can, but by then, I don't think I'll want to anymore. I imagine being more productive, freer, and more "present" in my current relationships, if you'll excuse the New-Agey term. I've spent too much time worrying about doing the "right" or "correct" thing in every social interaction, and I want to try to let go of that pressure.
I don't know how much sense this made, but I thought I'd give a go at posting it.