Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I was thinking...maybe part of how we choose to identify has to do with which people are asking the questions that we most want the answers to.

*see the comments for further explanation!*


SlightlyMetaphysical said...

Now I'm just confused as to why EVERYBODY doesn't identify as asexual. You guys have all the best questions.

Jessica said...

Putting identity in that light brings a lot of fascinating follow-up thoughts to me. I'd love for you to continue and explain further.

Sciatrix said...

Seconding the desire to hear more on this--wow, that is a thought-provoking question. Huh.

Ily said...

It's true, we do have some very good questions, although if you have a different sexual orientation, I don't think they're enough to overcome that. ;) But for me, back when I was questioning my asexuality, I think this idea (of a group of people seeking the information that I wanted, too) was a big part of what took me from questioning to actually identifying. I've sort of talked about this in the past, that "hearing asexuals' stories" helped me come to a conclusion. But I feel it was something more specific than just stories.

I also think there are people who *could* identify as asexual (or anything else), but don't, and I think in some cases it's more than just not knowing that the identity exists. Two people could have the same experiences in terms of attraction, but have vastly different views about the relevance of this. I don't think we choose who we're attracted to, but we do choose our labels.

In myself, I see the same pattern emerging when it comes to political and gender identifications. For instance, I've been wondering for years if I'm genderqueer, and I don't know if I'll ever have a definitive answer on that. But I feel like I'm desperately looking for the same answers as genderqueer people, which to me is very convincing when it comes to how to identify. Of course, it's only because I'm almost there already...but "almost" can seem far when you're questioning.

Ily said...

@Sciatrix, you must have commented while I was writing my own comment--check it out, I think I figured out how to explain this a bit more. :)

Anonymous said...

I just have a general question, I have been feeling this way for a long time but now I am starting to see the light in the matter.

I am a overall good guy and working towars my life in college currently. I have a wonderful girlfriend whom I adore.
But I dont know why I just have no interest in sex but I find myself so very excited or maybe just happy to see my love so happy
but in truth I dont seem to feel the way other men do
I mean when I walk down the street I see a very sexy woman as my friends point out but I just dont feel anything for it. I know im not into men since I never have been
I have noticed the only woman I have had sex with I have dated for while first and even when I do I just seem to want to make them happy and as for me I really dont care. Could I be asexual romantic I guess I just want some info on that type of way or at least making sense of it

Ily said...

Hi, Anon! Yes, you could be a romantic asexual. But, I'm not about to tell you what your sexual orientation is...that wouldn't be so responsible, considering I don't know you. But, if you don't feel quite asexual, there are other identities that you might want to explore, like gray-a and demisexual. "Gray-a" refers to people who are somewhere between sexual and asexual. "Demisexual" refers to people who only experience sexual attraction in the context of emotional connection. In other terms, they experience secondary sexual attraction only--they don't see someone sexy and automatically want to get in their pants.

However you decide to identify yourself, you're not alone! There are plenty of guys, asexual and even not, who just aren't that interested in sex. And I rarely noticed the "cute boys" that my friends in high school were always pointing out.

Only_Me said...

I'm happy to know that I'm not alone.
But I'm in the closet, & probably always well be.