Friday, March 27, 2009

Hey, Great Shoes & Smile

Earlier this week, I randomly pulled a notebook off my shelf and started looking through it. Inside, I found an exercise where I'd written what had attracted me to various people over the years (this was, in a roundabout way, part of the cognitive-behavioral therapy I was doing at the time). Each point related to a specific person, most of them friends. It might sound weird to say you're "attracted" to friends, but you are attracted, in some way, to anyone you enjoy spending time with. Some people seem to think that asexuals are from another planet (or they just find us "an alien concept", har har), but really, everyone experiences non-sexual attraction. Aces just don't experience much else on top of that.

Here's my list:

What attracts me to people?

  1. Courage without even knowing it. A non-judgemental and inclusive attitude.
  2. Knew we could be stronger if we banded together.
  3. Exuded an aura of cool.
  4. Great shoes and smile.
  5. A fellow neuroqueer, she's upfront about her difficulties and respected by almost all.
  6. She doesn't always have to be right. She's willing to look stupid, and willing to admit her mistakes.
  7. [A fairly long story about someone I had a crush on once. If he read this, he could easily identify himself, and that would be way too awkward!]
  8. Her organization, independence, and amazingly good luck.
  9. Mutual appreciation, maturity.
  10. Has a way with words, affectionate.
  11. Doesn't hide her confusion. Always down for having fun. Open to suggestions.

At the time when I made this list, I was kind of distressed about being asexual, and doing this exercise helped to make me feel better. I'm trying to think of why exactly this was, but I don't remember. I also enjoyed reading it again and seeing what I value most about people--it hasn't changed much throughout my lifetime. So, what characteristics would make your list?

(If it's not obvious, I'm a big fan of lists. If you're ever down on yourself or having a really bad day, make a list of 10 good things about yourself. It sounds corny, and you may not believe it works, but it will make you feel a lot better-- I promise!)


The Impossible K said...

I like lists too... one that always tops mine is:

- Independent thinker. Willing to defy the "norm" and be genuine.

I can't stand "fake" people... so what attracts me most, I think, is when I find friends who can be themselves. And who allow me to be comfortable with who I am... that's what attracts me most. :)

Ily said...

I agree with that 100%. I don't blame people for being fake, since we're often encouraged to do it. But that doesn't mean I like it-- it's a big turn-off for me as well.

Myself--Who Else? said...

Definitely agree about fake people vs. genuine.

I'm also drawn to people who are empathetic and consistently look at things from more than one point of view. They are often good listeners, the friend everyone goes to when they have a problem because they know they won't judge.

Turn offs? People who are passive-aggressive, and (sorry.. warning, about to stereotype...), well, feminine in their approaches to conflict. People who, instead of confronting someone who has offended them, would rather spread rumors, keep score, hold grudges, that type of thing. Come on! Have enough balls to deal with things directly instead of wrapping up everyone around you in your drama, you know? < /end rant> :)

Good topic, Ily. Still loving your blog!

Ily said...

Thanks, MWE! Glad you're reading and enjoying. It's funny-- I don't like the direct approach. Usually, if someone has an unvoiced issue with me, I'm not perceptive enough to notice it, so it's like nothing ever happened, score! I'm aware that the direct way is healthier (and I can be overly direct myself), but outright conflict scares me.

On a global scale, I think we could probably use a more "feminine" response to conflict, if by that we mean talking about stuff rather than just bombing at the first opportunity.

Myself--Who Else? said...

Hmm, good point. I guess somewhere in the middle is best.