Occupy Isolation!

The Occupy movement gets addressed from a lot of angles, but the one most relevant to this blog is community-building. I sort of wanted to get involved with Occupy, but the groups in bigger nearby cities seemed really overwhelming. The prospect of being smooshed in a huge crowd of strangers made me feel too unsafe. So, idly, I searched for "Occupy [my town]" online, and found that we were actually having a meeting. I was truly surprised, because this is a small, boring, apolitical, relatively conservative suburban town. Since then I've become pretty involved with our small occupation, even though we only meet for a couple of hours each week. And at this point, the most notable result of our occupation has been a burgeoning sense of local community.

I'm not saying that everyone in the group is my new BFF, or that we're all going to get along 100% of the time (that's not what community is, anyway). Nor do I know what this occupation is going to look like a few months from now. But the fact remains: This is the first time, in the 3 years I've lived here, that I've ever experienced community in my town. Through Occupy, I'm able to sit down with a group of people who were strangers to me in October, and work with them to try and change things for the better. I've met neighbors, and around town, I've ran into people that I know. This is a big deal, because it's something that I doubted would ever happen. I've always felt very isolated here, like the world was happening outside my town, and I was missing most of it. Occupy gives me some hope that this is not the case. If we can create community here, of all places, then maybe change is truly possible.

Although there is that asexual issue...up next.

(And last, here is some utterly shameless self-promotion for my zine, because it's been a while. If you're ever thinking, "Well, I'd sure like to hear what Ily has to say on some non-asexual topics", here's your chance. It's both serious and funny, like this blog tries to be.)

What I'm doing for AAW...

It's Asexual Awareness Week, and sadly, my screening of the (A)sexual film didn't work out. So I decided to observe the week by posting a different asexual-related meme (Asexual Cake, Sexually Oblivious Sherlock, etc) every day on my Facebook wall, along with some explanation of how it relates to asexuality. I believe in the adage, "If they're laughing, they're listening." So, is this raising awareness?

I really don't know.

Is it annoying people?

Probably.

Is it fun?

YES. I'm trying to follow my own advice, which is to do visibility projects that you love. And I do love memes.

With a number of friends, I'm pretty sure they know I'm asexual, but not completely sure. I was hoping that posting every day about asexuality would put more people into the "completely sure" category, although at this point it's hard to tell. But, I've only gotten positive reactions so far, and that's encouraging.

I'm pretty preoccupied (oh God, I hate puns) by the Occupy stuff right now, so this is all you get at the moment...

Looking for love in places.

It's hard for me to talk about love without talking about place.

Even so, aside from my short obsession with Colorado as a 10-year-old, I never knew where I wanted to live "when I grew up". As a kid, I moved a lot. As an adult, I don't want to move much more. All I knew was that it was essential to live somewhere I loved. Not just liked, but truly loved. A place that gave me the same feeling as reading a great poem or listening to hip-hop for the first time. The same exhilaration as seeing the peaks of Colorado or jumping off a London bus. The same swell of warmth that I'd feel for a human loved one.

Of course, this is a tall order. Many places are just not lovable, unless you love Wal-Marts, parking lots, highway interchanges, strip malls, and subdivisions. (More on that topic here.)

Perhaps I've just traded one unrealistic standard for yet another. First husband, then career, and now place. I'm really knocking them down--will there be anywhere left for my fantasy life to turn? But...I can't be the only person who has a lot of experience minimizing and questioning my feelings. (Sciatrix writes about some similar issues here.) One common example is something like, "well, this is just a platonic or nonsexual relationship, so why am I so sad/pissed off/thrilled/confused about it?" It may be especially relevant to asexuals, but I think most people have felt this way at some point.

I minimize things that I'm not sure are possible. Like my desire to be married. I have no desire anymore to be legally married. But I do want some kind of life partner(s), be they romantic, platonic, or queerplatonic. For so long, I felt this was silly somehow. Because I didn't need any kind of partner and besides, once I got one, who knows if I would still want one? Anyway, it was hard for me to care about my own desire, as strange as that may sound. More reasons why I've minimized my love of place:

• Large disconnect between my current state and my desired state.
• Overwhelm with the task at hand.
• Poor planning and decision-making ability.
• Lack of financial resources.
• Social messaging.
• Comparing myself to other people.

For the past several years, I've gone back and forth. Sometimes I try to honor the importance of place, and sometimes I treat it like a dangerous delusion. I'm starting to feel like I need to pick one, for the sake of my sanity. It's true: I don't understand some of my desires. They seem strange, inconvenient, and illogical. That's life as a hyper-rational, hyper-emotional person. In order to love myself, do I have to treat my love as real? It would make sense. If I thought it was very important to marry a man who I was deeply in love with, would I treat that as a delusion? Okay, maybe I would, but most people would see it as completely normal. Maybe it's not fair to treat myself any differently.

While I want to try to stop minimizing my desires, I don't want to feel totally bereft if I never have these things. My question becomes, how do I "synthesize" these desires? Like, how do I honor them and work towards achieving them while at the same time, deal with the feelings involved with not having them yet? In some ways, I've already been doing this, but I think there are others things I could incorporate. My brainstorm on this is going to be the next post.

/Psychology nerd.

Hey, Great Shoes & Smile

Earlier this week, I randomly pulled a notebook off my shelf and started looking through it. Inside, I found an exercise where I'd written what had attracted me to various people over the years (this was, in a roundabout way, part of the cognitive-behavioral therapy I was doing at the time). Each point related to a specific person, most of them friends. It might sound weird to say you're "attracted" to friends, but you are attracted, in some way, to anyone you enjoy spending time with. Some people seem to think that asexuals are from another planet (or they just find us "an alien concept", har har), but really, everyone experiences non-sexual attraction. Aces just don't experience much else on top of that.

Here's my list:

What attracts me to people?

1. Courage without even knowing it. A non-judgemental and inclusive attitude.
2. Knew we could be stronger if we banded together.
3. Exuded an aura of cool.
4. Great shoes and smile.
5. A fellow neuroqueer, she's upfront about her difficulties and respected by almost all.
6. She doesn't always have to be right. She's willing to look stupid, and willing to admit her mistakes.
7. [A fairly long story about someone I had a crush on once. If he read this, he could easily identify himself, and that would be way too awkward!]
8. Her organization, independence, and amazingly good luck.
9. Mutual appreciation, maturity.
10. Has a way with words, affectionate.
11. Doesn't hide her confusion. Always down for having fun. Open to suggestions.

At the time when I made this list, I was kind of distressed about being asexual, and doing this exercise helped to make me feel better. I'm trying to think of why exactly this was, but I don't remember. I also enjoyed reading it again and seeing what I value most about people--it hasn't changed much throughout my lifetime. So, what characteristics would make your list?

(If it's not obvious, I'm a big fan of lists. If you're ever down on yourself or having a really bad day, make a list of 10 good things about yourself. It sounds corny, and you may not believe it works, but it will make you feel a lot better-- I promise!)

Thank You Very Much

Today is a special day...it's Thanksgiving (at least here in America) and my Aveniversary. I think it's somewhat poetic that these two days happen to be the same this year. Three years ago, I joined AVEN, and I'm thankful that I did. After I made my intro post, I was thrilled to get welcoming responses from people all over the world, and I immedeately felt less alone in the 1% club. I've come a long way since then, from planning meetups (and not giving up on them) to writing this blog, which has almost 300 posts now. I've met some really cool asexuals in 3 states now-- 3 years ago, I hadn't (knowingly) been acquainted with any.

I like the concept of an Aveniversary because I look to any excuse to celebrate. Although your birthday is technically an anniversary, usually it takes marriage or couplehood (or lots of creativity) to get another. So, I'm thankful for emerging asexual traditions. I'm also thankful (you are sensing a theme) for my family, because I can actually talk about asexual stuff with them, without them trying to change me. They've been really supportive, like my writing, and even seem to enjoy my experimental ukulele songs. They also make it easy to be vegetarian around the holidays, which is awesome (Tofurky!). I'm very lucky to have them. I'm also lucky (and thankful!) to have friends who appreciate me for who I am, and who never, ever tell me I need to get laid. Hee, hee...You guys are great. I'm also thankful to you readers, of course. The fact that you're here encourages me to keep on with this project (especially when you leave comments). Now go enjoy your food, and happy Thanksgiving!

Uneasy Rider

[Above: Objects of affection. You can click on it to enlarge.]

You know this person. They're single and not too happy about it. They say things like, "All I see are couples holding hands! All I hear are romantic songs! Everywhere I go is love, love, love! Make it stop!" I used to think these people were probably exaggerating. I mean, what's stopping them from going to sit by themselves and listen to death metal for a while? But now, I get it. It's really a phenomenon that's unstoppable, and its victim can't do much about it. I know this because all I see is...scooters. Scooters of all shapes, sizes and colors are constantly passing me by. My desk overlooks the street, and all that seems to drive by are jaunty scooters. I even noticed that my longstanding Livejournal icon had a scooter in the background-- I'd never seen it there before. Ah, the thrill of the open road at 100 MPG...utterly romantic visions of not having to wait for the bus unfurl before me. Luckily, I can only think of one song about scooters (well, mopeds).

So go ahead, bemoan the hand-holders. I'll understand. At least the object of your desire doesn't involve trips to the DMV.

Alt Sex Wins Again

Have I mentioned that I totally adore Andrea Nemerson? Her Alt Sex column is the only reason I pick up the SF Guardian instead of the (nearly identical) SF Weekly. She's very supportive of asexuality, and has done 2 columns specifically on the topic. This week, she writes to a man whose wife seems to be suffering from the symptoms of depression:

"And listen: just leave the no-sex part out of it for starters. 'I'm not getting laid and that means you're broken' is not a recommended opening move."

Tell me about it! And to all my family and friends who feel similarly: I adore you as well, and if you have the chance, spread the gospel! I'm trying to do so tomorrow at the SF Pride parade. I made this shirt, inspired by that rousing picture of the TV A-Team:


(Note to future designers: Drawing on a ribbed, highly stretchy fabric with a fabric marker is none too easy. Every curved letter is actually composed of lots of little dots. So if you get stuck in the same situation, dot away...)

Post #100! (Tell your hoez)

Wow, I made it to my hundredth post! This summer when I started Asexy Beast, 100 seemed like a huge number. And so did 100 readers-- but now, we've had over 2500! At this generally warm and fuzzy time of year, I want to thank you--yes, YOU, sitting in your pajamas and baby seal slippers, eating ice cream for breakfast-- for reading. Your comments always make my day. And if you like Asexy Beast,
Tell a friend, tell a foe, tell a ho.
If you have to, you can even preface the information with "I'm not asexual, but...". We all know that the internet contains magical powers in the way of disseminating information. But of course, our fabled days at the A-Bar will arrive sooner with your help, and your word-of-mouth (or keyboard) is the best Chrismukkah gift I could receive. And will I bring it for the next 100 posts? You can bet your baby seal slippers I will do my darndest.

September Gurls

No need to adjust your screen, it really is "Gurls". And I have to admit, I'm not the first person to confess my love for "September Gurls" . I think it was an essay by Michael Chabon that first alerted me to the perfection of these lyrics, from the aforementioned song by Big Star:

I loved you. Well, never mind.

It's simplicity incarnate. I can't possibly explain the line any better than it explains itself.
While some people's romantic adventures could write novels, it is, on some level, comforting to know that mine can be encapsulated by one line of a 2 minute, 49 second song.
About every five years or so, I'll be attracted to someone. I relish the excitement and the sense of social normalcy that it brings me. But for fairly obvious reasons, it never lasts very long-- on average, maybe about a week. Longest? Maybe about two months. Shortest? About two seconds. Like many other unnamed victims, I am just one more casualty of the "Ohmigosh! Who do YOU have a crush on?" girls. I was always a little jealous of the girls with crushes. Yes, they haunt me still. My indifference towards cute boys was extrapolated into indifference towards girly bonding rituals, and perhaps the entire human race. I would wish that someday soon, I could find someone attractive again, if only to remember what everyone else was so enthusiastic about.
Usually, it never happened.
But when inserted into jaunty power-pop, maybe the way I've felt is fine after all. Put "September Gurls" on loop (it's short), and suddenly, never minding never sounded so good.

In Praise of Sex & the City

My all-time favorite show on television has definitely been Sex and the City. This might sound a little odd. Let me explain why it isn't.
If you were watching the show to see good television instead of, well, breasts (although it's certainly possible to see good TV and breasts at the same time) you would soon find that the show is actually about friendship, not sex. Sex and the City was so popular for one of the same reasons Friends was-- it presents an idealized and 'fantasy' view of friend relationships that many urban women would like to have. If you look on Craigslist, sort of a community bulletin board for the Universe, you will see women looking for "Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda!" You will not see women looking for "Steve, Big, and Harry!" (Well, maybe Harry.) While I would probably feel quite left out at a brunch with the SATC girls (not to mention under-dressed), I will admit that having such a familial group of friends would be a dream come true to me. And I think many asexuals-- and human beings in general-- could kind of get down with that. These are, after all, women that no one could threaten with scary images of 'dying alone'.
But these aren't just speculations on my part. There was the episode in which Carrie, the show's narrator, asked something like, "What if these women are my soul mates, and men are just nice guys to have fun with?" There was also my favorite episode, in which Carrie is frustrated with the way our society fails to acknowledge the choices of single people. She decides to marry herself, forcing an acquaintance to buy her $400 shoes as a wedding present. Indeed, a woman after my own heart.
Of all the strange ideas people hold about sex, one that is most damaging to A-s is the notion that sex and love are somehow inseparable. But if we can have sex without love (gasp!) then we can also have love without sex. From Episode 1 of SATC, one of the show's premises was "women having sex like men", ie, without emotional attachments. And if sex isn't where our characters are always finding love, then they're free to place that love into the realm of the asexy-- into Manhattan, into strangely matched clothing ensembles, and of course, into friends.