Frigid Bitches

I recently read an insightful post dealing with rape at the blog Fugitivus. The author talks about how women are discouraged from speaking up for themselves in every area of their lives. Then, people are surprised when we fail to scream "NO!" or fight off a rapist. And if we react passively to such violence, it wasn't a 'real' rape. The whole post is great, but this is my favorite part:

If women are raised being told by parents, teachers, media, peers, and all surrounding social strata that:

• it is not okay to set solid and distinct boundaries and reinforce them immediately and dramatically when crossed (”mean bitch”)
• it is not okay to appear distraught or emotional (”crazy bitch”)
• it is not okay to make personal decisions that the adults or other peers in your life do not agree with, and it is not okay to refuse to explain those decisions to others (”stuck-up bitch”)
• it is not okay to refuse to agree with somebody, over and over and over again (”angry bitch”)
• it is not okay to have (or express) conflicted, fluid, or experimental feelings about yourself, your body, your sexuality, your desires, and your needs (”bitch got daddy issues”)
• it is not okay to use your physical strength (if you have it) to set physical boundaries (”dyke bitch”)
• it is not okay to raise your voice (”shrill bitch”)
• it is not okay to completely and utterly shut down somebody who obviously likes you (”mean dyke/frigid bitch”)

If we teach women that there are only certain ways they may acceptably behave, we should not be surprised when they behave in those ways.

And we should not be surprised when they behave these ways during attempted or completed rapes.

Indeed, the vast majority (if not all) of my fellow women have said yes, or said nothing, when they really wanted to say no. Whether or not it was rape, most women have had experiences of a sexual nature that they would have rather not had. People who say "You're asexual? You must have been sexually abused" are in denial of how many people, particularly women, actually experience sexual assault. We all know women who have been sexually assaulted-- how many of them are actually asexual? According to RAINN, 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Obviously, this doesn't match up with the statistics on asexuality. Not all asexuals are out n' proud, and I think these unsure folks, who are in the majority, are even more vulnerable to saying yes just to go along with "what is expected". It's pretty hard to say "NO!" to unwanted sexual advances when you are, like most aces unaware of asexuality, trying to "fit in" and be sexual. I bet that a lot of asexuals who came out later in life can attest to this.

And there's another link between asexuality and crazy, angry, and/or shrill bitchiness. Whenever people ask about my asexuality and say things like, "Were you raped?" "Are you a virgin?" "Have you ever had an orgasm?" my insides are saying something like, "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" But, that never comes to the surface. It would make me a crazy bitch, right? So, instead, I do what "good girls" do-- try to politely and reasonably educate these boundary-crossing people. Whenever I do this, it makes me feel ashamed, violated, and like I have let myself down. I always promise myself that next time, I will assert myself-- maybe not scream "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" but mention that the question is inappropriate. However, in the moment, I become so scared of retribution, of being labeled, perhaps, an "uncooperative bitch". Maybe if this happens enough, and I feel like a traitor to my self-worth enough, I will start not to give a damn about being thought of as any kind of bitch. Of course, I advocate education. But not when you're feeling attacked and disempowered. When a not-so-thoughtful sexual person finds out that you are asexual, they can automatically start coming at you hard with the social privilege that they discover that they have and you lack. A situation like this is not a good ground for education.

Like many women (and men), I am obsessed with what other people think of me. Even though I've always been a feminist, even though I know that being called a bitch usually means you're trying to stand up for yourself, my conditioning is very strong. Somewhere along the way, I picked up the idea that being disliked is the worst thing in the world. And I can't believe that I'm alone in this. It seems absurd that you'd worry about being disliked by, say, someone trying to sexually harass you. But women think this all the time. I hope that just because in the past, I haven't been as much of an "angry" "mean" and "stuck-up" bitch as I'd like to be, that it isn't too late to start. Luckily, being a frigid bitch is something I've already got down. Maybe that's a good beginning.

Administrative notice: I'm going on vacation until August 23rd, so I'll resume blogging once I get back (Unless I get eaten by a moose, that is). Until next time, bitch on, angry bitches, bitch on...