Saturday, January 15, 2011

Escape From Gender Roles Island!

(I found this draft from last year, and thought it was worth resurrecting. It was originally intended as a continuation of this post, but will make sense without it.)

Part of my (albeit minimal) romantic attraction towards men is probably innate and unexplainable-- I'm guessing that's how most people perceive attraction. But I wonder. What about the fact that I assumed I was heterosexual until I was almost 21, and that people who don't know me very well assume the same? What about the fact that, as far as I know, I "pass" as heterosexual without trying to? I wonder how much of my attraction to men would exist in a cultural vacuum.

Whatever romantic attraction I have, I don't see it as a shadow of sexual attraction. I see myself as queer, not as a straight person with one form of attraction missing. A conversation with a friend comes to mind-- she told me she was "attracted to masculinity". For her, this manifested in her romantic relationship with a man. But for me, this attraction to masculinity was only realized on an inward level, through my "mental androgyny". I wouldn't find masculine traits in men, but in myself. That one comment made me realize how different my concept of gender might be from most other people's.

On AVEN, I remember a transwoman (male-bodied, mentally female) writing that part of her distaste for sex related to the idea that she didn't want to have sex "in the male role". I can relate to that. Having sex "in the female role" makes the process sound even more unappealing to me than it already does. However, having sex "in the male role" doesn't seem like much of an improvement. I feel the same way about dating and other social rituals. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship in "the female role". However, I don't want to take "the male role", either. I want to escape those roles altogether, as much as such a thing is possible in this world. It's not surprising that I've always been single.

My romantic attractions never facilitated relationships, not even close. Years ago, I lamented the fact that I couldn't seem to be attracted to a guy that one of my friends didn't already have a crush on. But looking back, maybe that was part of the point and/or reason. I felt like as a woman, I was supposed to maintain this constant hustle to "get a man". But these straight men in question seemed to display no effort whatsoever to get their admirers. If they tried desperately to be liked, it wasn't visible. They seemed confident, unstudied, and autonomous. They weren't freaked out by the attention, like I would have been. Would dating them-- and most likely, being placed immediately in the "female role"--been gratifying for me? I'm not so sure. Maybe what I really wished for was the chance to be seen by others in the same way these boys were seen by girls. That alone, unadorned, and despite my flaws, I was something worth getting truly excited about.

9 comments:

SlightlyMetaphysical said...

I hate how gender roles screw everything up. It'd be nice, for example, to be reasonable assured of getting into a hetero relationship without having your gender role assumed.

"I wonder how much of my attraction to men would exist in a cultural vacuum."

Same. I think a lot of my gender and sexuality has developed relatively recently, so I don't have quite the same ideas about discovering who I've always been as some. Particularly, I can see how a lot of my sexual/romantic feelings could very easily have arisen from support structures I had when I didn't know I was asexual, and picking up on the images I got from society.

"They seemed confident, unstudied, and autonomous."

I know what you mean. My crushes tend to be overwhelmingly for these reasons. And I think a lot of it, for me, is that these people seem to know how to act in a sexual world, be sure of their identity, and I didn't and wasn't for quite a long time.

Sciatrix said...

I don't know--is exclusive androromantic attraction necessarily a gendered thing? Particularly if you identify as mentally androgynous. I can see really not wanting to be placed in the (very heteronormative!) "female" role, though, irrespective of the actual gender roles you prefer.

I do share your frustration with the pressure on women to always be seen as less than without dating, though.

Ily said...

@SM, thanks for relating, I'm glad others have thought about the same thing. I guess gender roles work (in some sense) for a lot of people, but I don't like how they're imposed on everyone. If they were more of a choice, I wouldn't mind them as much. In general, I wish people talked more about their gender identities. Although I wonder if people who weren't queer would find it strange. Since IDing as asexual, I haven't really had a crush on anyone. I'm sure this means something significant, although I'm not sure exactly what. Maybe it's just as simple as me not meeting as many potential crushes as I did in times past.

@Sciatrix, "heteronormative" is a good word for the roles I'm talking about. Is andro-romantic attraction gendered? I'm not 100% sure what you mean by that, although I'll take a stab at it. I think technically, you're right, it's not necessarily gendered. But it's heavily gendered by society. Like, everyone who's attracted to men is seen as feminine, whether they are or not. While I see myself as feminine AND masculine. I feel like a lot of guys would get frustrated with me because I don't need them to "be the man" and I tend to find those types of gender displays unnecessary. That seems to happen to me in friendships also, because I'm not totally girly, nor am I "one of the guys". While I'm sure there are people who'd have no problem understanding this, I doubt that the straight guys I liked in the past would be among them.

Sciatrix said...

Sorry, I really wasn't clear with that comment. What I meant was that it doesn't have to be a heavily gendered thing, even if (as you quite correctly point out!) society tries really hard to make it gendered. At least theoretically, it should be possible to degender those kinds of relationships.

Of course, you also raise a good point that it's really hard to deal with that kind of pressure, particularly when you're dealing with guys who buy into heteronormative dynamics.

lic said...

lly, I'm really glad I stumbled upon your blog today. I googled "long term single" just to see what kind of info would come up. I've been single for 7 years as of this month, and it doesn't seem like that will change soon.

I'm at peace with that. What bothers me though is that I have had 5 potential "suitors" pursue me within the last 12 months, and I have not had the slightest attraction to any of them! To make things more interesting, 2 were men and 3 were women. I'm ashamed to say that not only was I not attracted to them, but I found myself repelled and repulsed by them when they started to make advances. I would have been happy to have regular friendships with them, but all 5 made it clear they wanted more.

I hope I don't sound like a terrible person. I just know in my younger days I spent way too much time and energy trying to make myself feel things that I just didn't feel. Now that I'm older I want to hold out for at least feeling genuine affection for a person before things go to a level beyond friendship. I want to really feel the spark of true chemistry, and I am committed to avoiding just trying people on for size (if that makes sense).

Anyway, the problem is that I rarely feel that chemistry. With that said, please know I totally get the whole asexual thing, Thank you SO MUCH for sharing!!

Ily said...

@lic, I'm glad you found me! You don't sound like a terrible person, just a self-aware one. (Which is a good thing.)

Eli said...

I've started dating someone and mostly because we'd been friends for two years and I felt he was attracted to 'me' not my body--that he, like you said, got excited about me without adornment. I think the roles switched a little, and it is delicious.

joestrouth1 said...

"I see myself as feminine AND masculine. I feel like a lot of guys would get frustrated with me because I don't need them to "be the man" and I tend to find those types of gender displays unnecessary. That seems to happen to me in friendships also, because I'm not totally girly, nor am I "one of the guys". While I'm sure there are people who'd have no problem understanding this, I doubt that the straight guys I liked in the past would be among them."

Yes! I cannot tell you how excited I am to have found your blog and read words like this.

As a heteroromantic asexual guy, I can totally agree with the first part. I have so many "feminine" traits that I've sort of been picking and choosing what fits me from male and female gender roles. Which I guess sort of defeats the purpose of them altogether. But I'm not a big manly man who will do anything to show off my manliness, anymore than I am a stereotypical female.

Basically, I totally understand you and I think it's great that we're able to do the things that fit us rather than force ourselves to fit society.

Ily said...

@Eli: D'awww :-)

@joestrouth1: Yay, I'm glad you found me, too! I feel like I pick and choose what fits me, as well. It's good to be understood :-)