Free to be Unsexy

It was such a lovely day that I vowed not to turn on the computer until the sun started going down and it got too cold to be outside. Luckily it's winter, and this happens at about 3:30. So here I am, back with some quotes from everyone's favorite 1977 article about asexuality, Asexual and Autoerotic Women: Two Invisible Groups (Johnson). Johnson's article focuses on women, but she makes an interesting footnote about men:

The oppression of asexual men in contemporary American society is illustrated by Perry Deane Young's remark in Ms. magazine (March, 1975) that Vietnam served as an escape hatch for some men from "back home...where men and women were expected to move in couples." "Any sort of eccentricity (in sexual or other behavior) was tolerated in Vietnam so long as one behaved properly in combat. This allowed for those loners who wanted nothing to do with any kind of sex involving another person." (p. 116)

It's great that Johnson accepts the reality of asexual men without question. I would love to see a study someday of the different issues that male and female asexuals face. Even though men can take advantage of the "lone warrior" archetype, they also have the pressure of machismo to contend with. And even though women are seen as pursuing sex less aggressively, they're also seen as sexual objects who must be validated by men. It's enough to make anyone want to escape, but Vietnam? That's pretty intense. The next quote is about women, but applies to men as well:

The modern woman's liberty to expose her legs and most of her body does not signify women's sexual liberation, but only her obsessive desire to please men. Women are "free" to start wearing padded bras at the age of nine and to spend forty-eight million dollars annually in eye make-up alone...Women are not free not to be sexy. (Stannard, 1971, p. 192)

It's easy to find that quote a little...precious. I mean, exposing our legs is fairly old news by now. But, it seems like the pressure to be sexy has only increased since 1971. Through Figleaf, I discovered Nair Pretty, a hair removal product aimed directly at young girls. Its website states:

So you're at an age when the childhood fuzz is becoming thicker and coarser hair. It's time to give some serious thought to removing it. If you've never dealt with hair removal before, it's natural to feel a little bit nervous. But you'll soon see, getting smooth, silky skin with Nair® depilatories is simple – and a fun way to treat yourself right!

Call me old-fashioned, but that utterly horrifies me. Even girls barely entering puberty aren't free not be sexy. (And being sexy isn't easy-- ever tried to shave, wax, or otherwise deforest your nether-regions? INGROWN HAIRS FOR THE OUCH!) When I realized I was asexual, I also realized that I didn't have to be sexy. Yay, what freedom! Kind of. Because as a 23-year-old woman in this culture, how many other options do I have? We'll always find different things sexy (and asexy). But being sexy should be about rocking your own style, not pandering to the lowest common denominator or the demands of the beauty industry. I know, that's starry-eyed idealism. But in a more A-friendly world, couldn't you start to see it?

Spirit of '77

I got The Sexually Opressed in the mail this week. It's definitely spooky-looking, as Rosie would like to show you:
The article about asexual women was easy to read. Like most articles about asexuality, it was only 11 pages. These were the general points made:

1. Asexual women (and autoerotic women) exist.
2. There's nothing wrong with them.
3. Be yourself.

I can't blame you for saying "DUH", but Ms. Johnson was definitely ahead of her time. (She also uses some unorthodox research methods, like 5 years of reading womens' magazines.) Even though Johnson's conclusions were obvious, finding these older studies has been powerful for me. Reading this article reminded me of the scene in Punch-Drunk Love where Adam Sandler's character says something like:

"I have a love in my life, and it makes me more powerful than you can imagine."

Well, I have a 30-year-old article in my life, and it has finally given me ancestors of experience. Knowing that people like me were previously identified, albeit briefly, feels like I've gotten a message of encouragement. And that gives me strength.

Next, I'm reading the articles from gay and lesbian perspectives...in 1977, the gay community was in a similar position to the asexual community today. Reading about a lesbian who thought she was "the only woman in the world who loved women" would be almost unheard of today. However, this is a feeling that many contemporary asexuals go through daily. I'm going to leave it at that for now. But stay tuned for intriguing quotes from The Sexually Opressed, coming at you this weekend.

Sorry to Embarrass You

I can't believe I didn't talk about this song sooner! Maybe one of the reasons is because it doesn't seem to exist online anywhere. Therefore, here is a Yousendit link to the song. You have 7 days to download it, so don't wait too long! I don't even trust the internet to give me the right lyrics, so I actually transcribed them myself. That's just how great this song is; it deserves no less than hand-transcribed lyrics. Here they are-- check them out while your file's downloading:

Sorry to Embarrass You
By Razorcuts (1986)

Across the space that separates
Your social world from mine
We built a threadbare bridge of words
It didn't stand the test of time.
Now we're here,
I don't know why.
I'd rather talk some more
Than look into your eyes.
Just waiting for the bell to ring
So we can live our separate lives.

Sorry to embarrass you,
I thought you might feel the same.
Sorry to embarrass you
Again.

I watch the patterns on the water,
Reflections of the city lights.
And somehow both ends of this bridge
Look very far away tonight.

Sorry to embarrass you,
I thought you might feel the same.
Sorry to embarrass you
Again.

I can hear your voice
In every word that I say,
Every word I say.
I can hear your voice
In every word that I say,
Every word I say.

Sorry to embarrass you,
I thought you might feel the same.
Sorry to embarrass you
Again.

Sad that Razorcuts only ever released two albums, isn't it? I think the whole song is kind of like a great pop haiku, but I especially adore the line, "I'd rather talk some more than look into your eyes". It's obviously a song about two people with very different lifestyles and ideas for a relationship. Whether it's sexual/asexual or just a guy who was too twee and introspective for his girlfriend, I relate.
Question: Why do you write about so many of those dern indiepop songs? Dontcha know it's the devil's music? Yarr!
Answer: Believe it or not, this kind of music began in (roughly) 1981 as an alternative to UK punk. As such, it's always been very ironic and cynical about traditional love and romance, which I appreciate. Although indiepop songs are almost always about love, they usually explores love's darker side in a funny or strange way. The fact that most indiepop bands are able to package such a message in a candy-coated shell is just, to me, part of its genius.

Pride in the Name of Love

My latest project: Attempting to get an AVEN booth for the 2008 SF Prideapalooza. The celebration isn't until June, but I think it would behoove us to get an early start. I just hope we don't hit any walls because we're not an "official" incorporated non-profit. Wouldn't it be unfair to exclude groups because of that? Anyway, I'll keep you all updated on our progress. I'm a be proud if it kills me!

Before Sunrise

Ah, folks. We need a more light-hearted topic around here, don't we? Especially because I'm looking out my window and the weather resembles the documentary on Hurricane Katrina I'm watching. Before I start my first film review of the year (woot!), let me remind you-- there are no stupid questions, only stupid people. Now, a question sometimes asked by asexuals is, "how does sex happen?" I don't mean in the "how are babies made?" sense, because if you don't know that, you're probably too young to be on the 'net reading blogs. What I mean is the "how do people go from having a conversation in the back of a streetcar to ripping each other's clothes off?" Before Sunrise (1995) helped me to answer this question. Although the movie doesn't really contain (explicit) sex, it might very well illuminate to you how sex happens-- with many, many, meaningful and lingering glances. The film, in which two strangers start talking on a train, and then don't stop talking until sunrise, feels so intimate that you might have the urge to leave the characters alone for a while. You may know that it has a sequel, Before Sunset. I saw Before Sunset first, a few years ago, and I think I preferred it-- it was just a little more complex and interesting due to the time that had passed between the characters. Sure, they're a little pretentious, but unlike Richard Linklater's other, even more pretentious films, at least they're very human.

Talking about talking

I hope you didn't pass out from the emo-tude of my last post. Into every blog, a few asymmetrical bangs must fall. Ain't that the truth. But it really brings up a topic that I don't like to think about due to its hyper-meta nature: Talking about talking. When you have an "exotic" sexual or gender identity, all sorts of people want, demand, or imply explanations. I have a zest for educating people, but I sometimes forget to tailor my answers for my audience-- and for my own comfort level. I should probably say different things based on who I'm speaking to: Family, friends, readers, acquaintances, radio show hosts, talking animals. At this point in our cultural lives, we're pretty used to talking about sex. But talking about sexuality (similar words with a big, big difference) is still relatively unknown territory. If you're straight, you don't talk about that. And if you're not, you probably do want to talk about it-- but I for one have had a confusing time figuring out how best to do so. Our parents are probably straight, and based on statistics alone, the vast majority of our friends are probably straight as well. This is obviously not something we're taught in school. And growing up, I certainly didn't have any queer role models to suggest what to say. So I figure this out as I go along. Everyone else does, too. I might have issues when it comes to off-the-page illuminating conversation. But 10 years from now, it'll be easier, I promise.

2008 could be amazing

I just have to say: It's pushing 4:oo am. Ever thought I wasn't fully committed to this blog?


Well, my medicine clearly says "no alcohol" on it...but how could I resist a few glasses of champagne? I mean, it's New Year's Eve! Maybe this is the reason why I found myself, at 3:00 am in a pizza shop in the Tenderloin with two friends, sobbing my eyes out. We started out talking about a mutual acquaintance who I felt had rejected me when I said I didn't want to date him. And suddenly, I was being asked the usual questions: "So do you EVER want to have sex?" "Do you masturbate?" "You can understand why this is hard for us to get, right?" "Are you in therapy?" One friend said, "How can you be asexual when I'm afraid to have sex too?" Pardon me if I misunderstand, but that seems sort of like asking, "how can you be brunette when I'm blonde?"
Oddly enough, the situation reminded me of the time I'd seen "Edward Scissorhands" and started crying uncontrollably. Sure, the movie was quite sad, but it acted as a catalyst for my sadness about a host of other things. It was the most I'd cried in years, and I guess those few glasses of champagne had the same effect. All my confusion and frustration about being a 1% in the land of 99%s just poured out. As bad as I feel for dampening our evening, hopefully it was a catharsis that I needed. Maybe I can emerge stronger on the other side. This is what I'm listening to as I write this:

"I've been a student all my life
And this is what I've learned about girls:
They're not too hard to find
But they make you feel worse.
At the age of 24, I can't stand anymore..."
--Unidentified song from the "Grimsby Fishmarket 4, Norrkoeping 0" compilation.

Here's to next year feeling better than we ever felt before.