Worth the Wait!

Our show on KPFA aired today! It's available online here, and the uber-catchy rap song is right at the beginning, after the Women's Magazine theme. Check it out, yo! It was fantastic to be on a "serious" show where we didn't have to argue our existence constantly, and I think that really yielded a great show. My shameless self-promotion organ was confused by the fact that "my blog" was mentioned 2 times, but not its name. But if you're here...you already know that. Anyway, listen, and let me know what you think!

Could I Be Asexual?

Well, I finished my article! Or at least, this is the first draft, now in darker purple for your reading ease. I'm going to try to submit it to some of those sex-information websites for teens. Feedback would be much appreciated-- anything from language/grammar to overall content is fair game! (Except for the formatting-- that is, as always, in God's hands.)

In a society where we're pre-conditioned to be heterosexual, it's a healthy and normal thing to question your sexuality. But that doesn't mean it's not scary or confusing, especially when your orientation might be one that's lesser-known, like asexual. Asexuals are people that aren't attracted to either sex, and studies have shown that they're at least one percent of the population. Asexuality is just as valid an orientation as being gay, straight, or bi, but can be a little harder to figure out. The simplest advice I can offer? Remember that there are no absolutes when it comes to sexuality, and don't rush to label yourself just because you feel pressured to do so. Now, here are some common questions:

1. I've never had a crush on anyone. Could I be gay, or am I asexual?

Maybe you’re not just the kind of person who gets crushes; perhaps you’re too practical for all that sighing and giggling. Think not about whether you have a “crush”, but whether you’ve ever been attracted to someone. If this has never happened and you’re, say, 13, I honestly wouldn’t worry about it too much. Your inclinations could still change a lot in the next few years. But if you’re 18 or 19 and have not experienced attraction, you may want to consider that you could be asexual…or very, very, picky.

2. My friends are always saying that this or that girl is hot, but I just don't understand what they're talking about. What's up with that?

You have a few options: Either your friends have different tastes in girls than you do, you’re not into girls at all, or you’re not into girls or guys. If we’re just talking about probabilities here, being asexual is probably the least likely option—but, it is still an option. I know that many asexual people have had the same experience as you. But whether or not the label fits is something only you can decide.

3. I had sex with my boyfriend, but I just found it boring. Is there something wrong with me?

Everyone tells us how exciting sex is, but what no one seems to mention is how hard it can be to find a partner you’re really compatible with. The most likely answer is that you’re not as into your boyfriend as you thought you were. Sex is so hyped-up that it can be natural to feel a little disappointed if the experience isn’t what you hoped it would be. Sex can get more interesting as we get older and more aware of our bodies. But, if you think your relationship would be terrific without the sex, maybe asexuality is something for you to explore further.

4. How can I know if I'm asexual or just have issues?
   

If you’re depressed, have low self-esteem, were abused, or have survived any number of difficulties, you may be wondering if these are the reasons you’re not interested in sex, or if you’re actually asexual. Well, that’s a good question to be asking. Depression or abuse doesn’t cause asexuality, but asexuals are just as likely to deal with these things as anyone else is. If you’re dealing with issues like this, you already know that you have many things to figure out. Know that many asexuals are depressed because they feel isolated, or worry that they will never have relationships or family. Remember that you are not alone, and that asexuals can achieve anything they want to—it just may take a little longer.

Get support:

asexuality.org: The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network is the largest and busiest asexual forum online. It’s a great place to tell your story, and no matter where your mind is at, you’re sure to find like-minded people.

apositive.org: These free-spirited theorists are on a mission to compile all known information about asexuality—a great place to find information!

Suggestions for a third "resource" would be especially welcome, since good things supposedly come in threes. And yes, I'm aware that in the end, my answer to question #4 sounds like the opener to "Little People, Big World"...

Draw In the Reins

I finally got ahold of the Cats on Fire EP, Draw In the Reins. Cats on Fire are yet another indiepop band from Scandinavia (Finland this time). Imagine my surprise and delight when I opened the CD packaging and found these lyrics to the title song:

I know exactly what it is
I know exactly why it burns
And I'm fairly sure
That they all should put their clothes back on
Yeah, put them right back on

'Cause now there's no way to decide
What's on my mind

[Chorus:] There's so much talk about it, it's everywhere
And these poor eyes of mine
They get no rest
And suddenly, all of my friends are at it
Who thought they had these skills?
I look at them and blush

Let's not go over this again
Why would you rub it when it already hurts?
And I'm fairly sure
It would be best if you restrained yourselves
Draw in the reins, my friends

I lose the ability to decide
What's on my mind

[Chorus]

I turn around, but I think I hear
Yeah, at least to these ears
These doves are pecking away at each other

[Chorus]
And I could roll away my eyes
But I'd still hear these awful sounds

Ever encountered something that was so obvious, you just didn't know what to say about it? But it's interesting; the speaker of the song is definitely way more against sex than I am. I can certainly speak to the experience of suddenly everyone you know being interested in dating/sex/hot people. It's as if on Monday, no one cared, and on Tuesday, sex was all-important. It shocked the heterosexuality right out of me!
(And do check out Cats on Fire's Myspace page, in the link above. "Draw In the Reins" is sadly not on there, but "Higher Grounds" is the absolute jam.)

Am I Blue?

If I ruled the world, I wouldn't let anyone declare their sexual orientation until they were at least 18. But I don't rule the world (except if Ilytopia counts), and in the one we live in, our orientation is already chosen for us-- heterosexual. Bah.
Paging through a Seventeen magazine the other day, I came across an article called "Could I Be Gay?" I couldn't find the article on Seventeen's web site, but I did find the statistic (from PFLAG) that between 1990 and 2000, the age at which most gay and lesbian people come out dropped from 22 to 13. I guess the reason I find this shocking is because I couldn't have possibly known what my sexuality really was at 13. But this might have been because I wasn't yet aware my sexuality existed-- not because I wasn't capable of knowing.
I decided I would try to write a similar article about asexuality. This seems hard to do, because when you're a young teenager, you could really be a late bloomer instead of asexual. But it just seems awfully sad that all the gay kids can figure it out in their teens while we A-s would have to wait until our 20's, when any puberty-related sexual awakenings have safely passed.
The Seventeen article is written as 4 questions and answers (how very Passover) from teenage girls. Here's the comparable ones I could come up with for asexuality (based on what people on AVEN say):

1. I've never had a crush on a boy. Could I be gay, or am I asexual?
2. My friends are always saying that this or that girl is hot, but I just don't understand what they're talking about. What's up with that?
   
3. I had sex with my boyfriend, but I just found it boring. Is there something wrong with me?
4. How can I know if I'm asexual or just have issues?

Here's what my intro would be:

In a society where we're pre-conditioned to be heterosexual, it's healthy and normal to question your sexuality. But that doesn't mean it's not scary or confusing, especially when your orientation might be one that's lesser-known, like asexual. Asexuals are people that aren't attracted to either sex, and studies have shown that they're at least one percent of the population. Asexuality is just as valid an orientation as being gay, straight, or bi, but can be a little harder to figure out. The biggest advice I can offer? Remember that there's no black and white when it comes to sexuality, and don't rush to label yourself just because you feel you have to. Now, here are some common questions:

And on to the questions and answers. Yeah, I know it's pretty simplistic (and you could certainly argue that my definition is incorrect), but I didn't want to confuse already-confused people too much. What questions would you have want answered as a teenager? Or if you're a teenager now, what kinds of questions are you asking?

And I have to say, Am I Blue is my all-time favorite short story (the subject is a teenage boy trying to figure out if he's gay), and I was able to find it online in it's entirety here.

My machinations are moving ahead...

Ah, there's nothing like the smell of printing presses in the morning!
AVEN pamphlets went to press yesterday. The proof is supposed to be done by Monday. We're gonna get 500 of these suckers. Don't even front like you're not excited...

Yo! Aces Rap!

Since my TV broke, I've been listening with great care to old albums. One of these was the awesome "Isn't Anything" by My Bloody Valentine (1988). I realized the last song was called "I Can See It (But I Can't Feel It)", which sounded like an experience many of us A-s can relate to. As usual, although I enjoyed the music, I could barely understand one word of the lyrics. And after searching online, this is apparently their entirety:

Don't know when
I will leave you again
Grab a reason
And I'm dragging you down
Come just to make you happy
Shot in the head I can see
I can see it
But I can't feel it

Wow...that's pretty sad. But, this is the first time that a song I've posted is actually on Youtube, so you can hear/see the song over here [WARNING: There is much slow-motion head-bobbing]. After happily securing a video, I searched for "Kevin Shields [MBV's leader] and asexual" on Google, and found this great quote from an album review at EconoCulture:

So I’m assuming that the song entitled "Kevin Is Gay," refers to Mr. Shields. (Although, quite frankly, I always envisioned Kevin Shields as being asexual, perhaps occasionally taking a break from recording to have "relations" with a vintage tape reel before setting it ablaze in a fit of shame and self-loathing.)

The writer also assured me that MBV lyrics are supposed to be indecipherable. Now that's a relief.

In other musical news, tomorrow I'll be participating in the recording of what might be the world's first explicitly asexual rap song. Ooh yeah baby! If there's a way for you to hear it, you'd best believe I'll let you know.

Rolling With Role Models

"Remember, lovers never lose."
--David Bowie

Ages ago (or at least it feels that way), I was going somewhere with friends. We were riding in a car piloted by a mysterious frat boy. He was playing David Bowie on the stereo, and explained to us that Bowie was the person who allowed him to become comfortable with the fact that he was gay. I don't remember the exact words he used, but it was clear that he considered Bowie to be his gay role model. At the time, I hadn't yet realized I was asexual, but that concept stuck with me nonetheless.

As I think about it now, it seems like role models are integral. When we deviate from "the norm" in some way, we are often afraid to be ourselves, as we're not sure how to do so with grace and honesty. You can reinvent the wheel, sure, but it's pretty painful. I realized, not too long ago, that I'd never fully accept my non-standard sexuality unless I had asexual role models. So I've been on a mission to find some for myself. And it's really hard. Here's the list I have so far, and notice that only one of these people is definitely asexual:

• My grandmother's cousin. She must be about 80, and she's been living with the same woman for as long as anyone can remember. As far as I can see, totally old school Boston Marriage.
• One of my mother's best friends. She's in her 60's. Since she's never married, I guess you could call her a "spinster", but I never would, as she's totally awesome.
  
• Certain AVENites that I won't name for risk of embarrassing them.
• Harvey Milk. Sure, gay as can be, but he lived in a time when homosexuality was in a similar situation to asexuality today. He knew he might be killed for expressing his views, but even that didn't stop him.
• Kate Bornstein. Uncompromisingly queer, she educates people on the transgender movement-- a term she apparently coined. What she does for trans people, I'd like to do for asexuals.

So, that's who I came up with. Does anyone else have role models they'd like to share? (Note: Although I guess you can have a fictional character as a role model, I really don't think they work well, as their creators solve all their problems for them. They don't really have to deal with the same problems we do, especially if they have superpowers. And yes, I think Sherlock Holmes' intellect is in that category :-)