More Paneltasticness

Tomorrow, I'm going to be on another panel, this time at Stanford University with the always-illuminating Karli and DJ. Here's some of the things we'll be talking about:

How do asexual people define themselves and build community?

We drink coffee and talk about dating? I try to build community by doing visibility stuff (like this panel) and organizing meetups, and I'm not sure what else I can do. If there are other ways of building community, I'm frothing at the mouth to learn what they are!

Are asexual people queer and feminist?

Not all women are feminist, let alone all asexual people, although my feminist self thinks everyone in the world needs to be feminist. Feminism's great for all of us, I promise! When it comes to "sex-as-power", women tend to get a raw deal, and asexuality does provide some liberation from this. It also frees men from having to associate their masculinity with sexual prowess. I think As are queer (as far as everything that doesn't follow a heterosexual model is), but I know not all of us want to use that identifier.

How do asexual people disrupt gender norms?

Well, since most gender norms have some component of sexual desirability, when you stop trying to attract people of the opposite (or any) sex, you tend to "lose" your gender. At least, this has been my experience. I identify as a woman, but it's not as large a part of my identity as it seems to be for other women.

How do asexual people hook up?

I really have no idea. Still waiting for the A-bar.

What's the difference between sexual relationships and friendship?

Besides the sex, I'd say it's probably the amount of time and dedication you spend on the person. And I think it's regrettable that we're taught to only see sexual relationships as "primary" in our lives. But that's just me.

Also, I'm being billed as a "radical asexual blogger", which is exciting. My first thought was, "What do radical asexual bloggers wear?" At any rate, this will be fun.

Vote for me!

Aha, voting is up for Best of Blogs! Thanks to you, I've reached the final stages of competition. So, if you like this blog, go and vote for me! It could be good visibility-- apparently, the BoB site has had 376,620 visitors. If you hate this blog and want me to be destroyed by fame, go and vote for me! If you're bored and want something to do, vote as well. You can do it every day until the voting ends. Here's how to do it:

Go here:

http://www.thebestofblogs.com/page/2/

Scroll down to "Best LGBT blog" and then cast your vote for "theonepercentclub" (my URL).

If I win, I don't think I get anything of material value. But, I will get glory, which you will share if you vote! I know my readers are enmeshed in the democratic process...

Finally: Making Love the Way I Understand It

Well, I thought all the nominees for the "Best of Blog" awards would be announced this morning, but I guess not, so I'll have to find something else to write about (and some other way to promote myself, har har). Because we all need some more silliness in these trying economic and political times, here's a form of sex that I can wholeheartedly enjoy:

Makin' Love Ukulele Style
by Dean Martin

Making love ukulele style you needn't be in Waikiki
Making love ukulele style to a lovely ukulele serenade.

When you love ukulele style
Well everyone knows you're heart will float far away
To a tropic isle while a ukulele tune is softly played.

Strolling along beneath the starlight
Dreaming a lover's dream for two
Soon you will see her eyes of starlight
As the ukulele magic comes through.

Now if you want to satisfy
The one that you love all else above
Take a tip and be sure you try the ukulele style of making love.

Strolling along beneath the starlight
Dreaming a lover's dream for two
Soon you will see her eyes of starlight
As the ukulele magic comes through.

Now if you want to satisfy
The one that you love all else above
Take a tip and be sure you try the ukulele style of making love
Try the ukulele style of making love!

Hear an old-skool version of the song here. And an utterly loungetastic Youtube video version here. The latter is not safe for work; your boss may make fun of you indefinitely. And I wouldn't leave you hanging without letting you know how to make love ukulele style for yourself: Here are chords! (And yes, it even shows you positions.)

Harold & Kumar: Boston Marriage for Guys

"Your love was wonderful to me, passing the love of women."
--David to Jonathan, 2 Samuel, I, 26

"You're my best friend. I love you."
--Kumar to Harold, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

After spending time with Surpassing the Love of Men, watching Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay seemed oddly relevant. If Harold and Kumar had been Victorian women, they definitely would have been "romantic friends". If that seems like a strange statement, just look at their relationship: They live together, seem to spend little time apart, bring out the possibilities in each other, and no matter what dangers they face-- everything from crazed Homeland Security officers to being carjacked by Neil Patrick Harris, they stick together through it. Even when one of them makes a horrible decision, their destinies remain intertwined. They pursue women (mostly for sex), but this never affects their friendship, as it's just one more thing they do together.

[Above: Harold and Kumar. I'll never let go!]

The "inseparable buddy characters" are an archetype that resonates with me as an A person. But where is the female version? In the trailers before Guantanamo Bay, I saw two more male buddy movies: College and The Pineapple Express. The only mainstream female buddy movie that I think I've ever seen has been Muriel's Wedding (one of my all-time favorite movies). I'm thinking of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but you don't get the idea, as you do with Harold and Kumar, that the characters will probably spend the rest of their lives together.

Why the dearth of female buddies? If there was a large market for those movies, they'd probably get made, so perhaps there isn't one. But maybe it's the way women are perceived as being dependent on men, and competitive for men. There's no reason why two female friends couldn't rely on each other to the degree that Harold and Kumar do. But this is something we're hardly ever shown, which gives an impression that there's something about women that makes this kind of friendship impossible. I'm hardly the only person to take issue with this; here's an interesting blog post that discusses the issue:
Does the Female "Buddy" Movie Exist?
And if it doesn't, then goodness gracious, shouldn't it?

Surpassing the Love of Men

"We have learned to deny such a depth of feeling toward any one but a prospective or an actual mate. Other societies did not demand this kind of suppression."
--Lillian Faderman, 1981

I tried to watch Daytime TV, but once I learned that Jerry Springer's bodyguard has his own show, I fled to my local Hawaiian cafe in fear. For as long as I'm unemployed, I figure I'll be doing quite a bit of reading. Right now, I'm working on Surpassing the Love of Men by Lillian Faderman. Its subtitle is "Romantic friendship and love between women from the Renaissance to the present". I'm only about a third through it, but I can already tell that I'll be recommending this book extremely highly to everyone. For an academic book, it's an easy read, and it's absolutely fascinating, sometimes shocking, and maybe even a little tragic. I'm very glad that someone wrote this book, which is probably one of the highest praises I can give.

Surpassing the Love of Men will make you think, but not in the brain-zapping way of Gender Trouble. It's easy to think that our own time's sexual mores are somehow truer than those of other eras. But Faderman confuses that notion. She spends a lot of time exploring the idea that until the 20th century, all "good women" were completely asexual. Now, all women are sexual. If we were seen as uniquely sexual beings, I would consider that a great improvement. But, we aren't seen that way by our culture at large. Women are still just sex objects, as we've always been. However, in previous times, women could have passionate relationships with each other, and because they were presumed to be asexual, these relationships were encouraged and condoned by society (unlike, perhaps, people's views of lesbianism in 1981?).

While reading about these "romantic friendships", I saw my ideal relationships being described again and again. The famous "Ladies of Llangollen", Eleanor Butler and Sarah Ponsonby, escaped marriage to live happily, inseparably, and asexually together in their own cottage in Wales. But the sad truth is, most women of the age couldn't live out the fantasy of spending their lives with their female beloved, and were forced to marry men. Can we ever win?

There's a short chapter called "The Asexual Woman", but don't get too excited. It's concerned with a court case in which the judges ruled that two women couldn't possibly have sex with each other because it was against their nature and good character. As Faderman reminds us, all women during the 1800s were seen as asexual, unless they were prostitutes, actresses, or hedonistic nobility types. But, this is a book that I think will be of great interest to all asexual people-- and anyone else interested in human relationships. (Which is, purposely, almost everyone.)

Get Auties

We had a meetup on Saturday, and I'm happy to say that it went well. We had 4 people show up, which is twice the number we've been getting lately (I kind of don't want to say that-- can't be revealing our weaknesses! But, at least you know it will be a cozy, welcoming group that you don't have to be intimidated about joining!). I was especially pleased that we had two new people. New people, especially if they're enthusiastic, are probably more important than the number of people alone. Everyone seemed to express some interest in hiking, so I think I'll plan some low-key hiking for our next meetup.
We talked about many interesting things. One of these was an attempt to figure out why some groups seem to have a much harder time organizing than others. One meetup-goer had noticed that bisexuals seem to have an especially difficult time organizing themselves. I have a few theories as to why this might be:

They're already covered in the LGBT umbrella.
They're a more diverse group than Ls or Gs-- they're any gender and some bi folks can pass as straight, while others can't or don't want to.
Many people see bisexuality as being a phase. (For the record, I don't.)

If I had to choose an orientation that was "closest" to asexuality, it would be bisexuality. The diversity of people who so identify is a great strength, but also a barrier to community-building. Evangelical Christians seem to organize effortlessly because they all have similar views. Not so in our case. However, I've noticed another very diverse group that seems to be better at organizing than asexuals are: People on the autistic spectrum. They've had major successes in many places, and I'm learning a lot from some of these groups. For example, there are about 3 autism-related groups that meet in my area, and each of them draws anywhere from 10-30 people per meeting, who sometimes travel very long distances to be there.

I have no idea why autistic people are better at grassroots organizing than asexuals. You'd think that wouldn't be the case, but you'd be incorrect. Maybe it's because autistic folks often need assistance to get by in a society that's built for other people. What I do know is that there are a disproportionate number of autistic spectrum denizens on AVEN. I also know that the autistic spectrum is misunderstood by almost all. Many think autism is a pathology; many autistic folks think it isn't. "Coming out" is an issue for those who can pass as "normal", however, in the case of autism it's called "disclosure". I've heard autistic people call themselves "neuroqueers", and I know that awareness and education are major parts of their movement.
This is starting to sound real familiar, isn't it?

What Do You Want to Hear?

Once, someone asked me if "this" was a date. I wasn't thrilled with the question, since I wasn't then, and still am not, sure how exactly to distinguish an asexual date from a friendly get-together. I replied, "It's whatever you want it to be". I thought that was an answer that no one could possibly argue with, but my companion was extremely annoyed by my non-committal attitude to our meeting. This is one of the reasons why I think it would be edifying to read Is it a Date, or Just Coffee? Apparently, this is a book all about that troublesome question: Is this a date? If anything, just the idea that a book like this exists is highly amusing. It's written for lesbians, but I wonder if female As could pick up an insight or two. I'll add it to my (very long) list...

And I have to say, San Francisco's best asexual publicity effort right now is probably my resume, which has AVEN on it. Seriously, hundreds of people are going to be seeing that thing...