Sunday, November 4, 2007

It's Finally Happened

"And if I seem a little strange
Well, that's because I am."
--The Smiths, "Unlovable"

I knew this would happen eventually; I just didn't expect it to be so soon: The vast majority of people I know (probably at least 90% of them) are in serious romantic relationships. I looked towards this day with a mixture of fear and twisted awe, but it actually hasn't been that bad at all. I'm glad to know that people can find others out there that love them and are willing to spend large amounts of time with them. Isn't that nice?
No one's gloated about how wonderful their relationship is. No one's felt sorry for me. No one's mentioned their great, single male friend. When I go places without my plus-one, there's just more wine and cheese for me. What was I so worried about?
The only problem is something I frequently fall victim to: Comparing myself to other people. I know that if you're going to compare yourself to other people, it should at least be people in a similar category to you. When it comes to relationships, I should think about the asexual people I know. When I do that, I'm a member of a vast majority. However, this is not an automatic response yet, and something my mind still has to work its way into.
This sudden rash of serious monogamy has had an unintended consequence: more openness from me about my sexuality. I'm normally a fairly private person, so this isn't saying much, but relatively speaking, it's a lot. I have a gut reaction; I'm scared that people might think I'm single because there's something wrong with me, and I want to make sure that they know there's a logical reason. In a better world (and it IS out there), people would say of my perennial singleness: "Oh, Ily's just a free spirit" or "Ily just values her time alone". I think that most of the people I know, bless them, are too evolved to say,
"SHE IS UNLOVEABLE!", but irrationally enough, this is my fear: What I think other people might be thinking. This kind of cross-personal meta-cognition is what makes being human such a weird experience. If you can find a way to balance it with boyfriends and girlfriends, more power to you.

3 comments:

Mary said...

You're perfectly lovable.
But I think you've hit on something here. Many people (myself included) might instinctively associate asexuality with celibacy and therefore with a deliberate withdrawal from society. Such a person isn't unlovable, per se, but is removing him- or herself from the social categories of romantic and sexual love. Whereas an asexual . . . ain't. So it requires a mental paradigm shift to recognize that asexuality doesn't equate to making that choice.
Also, I'm not in a serious relationship THANKS FOR OPENING MY WOUNDS.

Madeline said...

Just so you know, I definitely don't think that being single makes you unlovable. I have a friend that I have known for many many years and she has never had a bf (while I have had atleast 4 in that time :-P). I never thought it was because she was unlovable...I always thought she had just never found the right person and that is how I will feel about any single person (unless i know them and they really are unlovable ;-) ) So, dont worry, I will never see you that way and I dont think other people will either. If theres a person out there that you want to be with, more power to ya, if theres not, then its all good, just be happy being you :-)
i love ya sis

Ily said...

*Hands Mary a sparkly band-aid*...Well, I guess you're just the 10% then...hey, you're way more numerous than the 1!
Thanks for the reassurance, but I've never thought I was unlovable. (Heck, Thomas can't get enough of me. And of course, there's always the life-long romance with myself.) But, I tend to have a strange fear about other people's incorrect assumptions. Thank you for not having them; you get a free gift bag. The level of perfectionism I harbor just reaches out of my own brain and sometimes targets others (I know, freaky).
And Madeline, thanks for commenting!
Keep reading :-)