Monday, May 11, 2009

This Bed's Too Big Without You

As I write this, it's 3:28 am and, always the insomniac, I just can't get to sleep. Earlier in the night, as I was lying in bed staring at the ceiling, I had the idea of writing a blog post about...beds. We'll see if it actually turns out to be an interesting topic. Here goes:

I find it funny how discussions of beds usually have sexual innuendo (did you ever do that thing with your fortune cookies where you added "in bed" to all your fortunes, and it was amusing for some reason?). Call me kinky, but I've never understood the connection between sex and beds. I know that sounds like a bizarre statement, but since a lot of our pop culture seems to involve people rolling around on beds, it seems oddly relevant. I don't want to get too graphic, but trying to move around in any intentional way on the mushy surface of a bed sounds like way more trouble than it's worth to me. If that's not a "You know you're asexual when...", then I don't know what is.

One indicator that I'm not getting any might be the fact that I've always had a tiny twin bed that more than one person would struggle to fit into. Sure, I would like a more luxurious model. But my bedroom has always been too small, and in one case has been an actual closet. The idea of sharing a bed with someone makes the idea of sleep sound even more elusive. And the idea of sharing a twin bed, which I know people do, is something I would just dread. I can handle it for a night or two, but if I ever dated anyone, they would have to understand the fact that I wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as them all the time. I know I'm hypersensitive, but my bedroom is one of the few environments that I can usually control.

Bed, for me, mostly means the place where sleep evades me. I try to do what the experts say: Not using the computer or exercising late at night, not eating right before bed, not using my bed for other activities (doesn't sex count as another activity?), drinking herbal tea, reading dense and/or boring books (I minored in religious studies) etc. Someone recently told me that even if I was attracted to more people, it would be hard to think about things like romantic relationships when I'm so tired most of the time. To some, my lack of a sex drive might be cause for concern. But to me, my lack of energy and trouble sleeping is my number one medical mystery.


Yvonne said...

I think I understand some of what you mean. My bed is MY bed, darn it, and that means everyone else should stay off of it. I'm nowhere near anything resembling a relationship, but I can't imagine ever being eager, or even willing, to give up half of the bed (no matter what size - my current bed is a full) to someone else. If you're literally going to be sleeping, why is there a need to share the bed?

Every once in awhile, advice columns will run a letter from someone, usually half of an older couple, about others judging them because the couple sleep in different beds/bedrooms. Personally, I'd love something like that - but it still baffles me how some people believe that others' choices are any of their (the nosy people's) business.

Also - thanks for the link to "You don't have to be pretty." Amazing.

Amy said...

Hi! So sorry to invade your comments like this (it feels so impersonal) but I'm writing an article on asexuality for a magazine aimed at the under 21s and I'd love to ask you a couple of questions both about the asexual community and your personal experience.

If you don't mind, drop me an email at and I'll get back in touch asap.

Again, so sorry to jump in like this, but in my research about asexuality I keep getting referred back to your blog!


Ily said...

I don't mind having my cats in the bed (they're just 2 small cats), but other than that, it gets iffy. I think that being in a couple and having separate beds would be something I'd like as well. But even for me, the idea is SO reminiscent of the 1950s that I can see how that kind of cultural baggage would be a turn-off for people it could otherwise work well for. (For example, if the two people have vastly different schedules or one snores a lot or something.)

And no problem, Amy, I've e-mailed ya. I'm jazzed that you've been getting referred here!

Lanafactrix said...

I've heard of couples who have two twins on rollers pushed together so they can snuggle when they like but move apart for sleepytime. I personally like sharing a bed, but it does do things to the quality of my sleep. (Then again, this may be because a lot of the time when I've shared a bed I've been, ahem, engaged in extracurriculars when I'd otherwise be sleeping.)

Noskcaj Llahsram said...

I would love to share a bed with someone,but unfortunately I thrash like an epileptic in my sleep. As much as I would like it, I wouldn't want to accidentally club my bunkmate, as it where, in the face.
Also I sweat and talk in my sleep, I don't know why

Sabriel said...

I hate sharing my bed, but I only have a single, so that's understandable. I don't mind sleeping snuggled up to someone once in a while, but it does get quite incomfortable. If I was in a long-term relationship or living with someone, I'd still want my own bed, and only share with them from time to time. I prefer to fall asleep on a sofa cuddled up watching TV than fall asleep sharing a bed with someone... inevitable someone's arm gets crushed or you end up in some weird position! :) Love the blog.

The Impossible K said...

This reminds post me of Death Cab's song "Twin Size Bed" :)
TBH, I'm kinda dreading having to share a bed soon... I like having my personal space. That, and the snoring is gonna be kinda hard to deal with... I'm a bit of an insomniac too, so I wonder if I'll ever get any sleep! :P

Anonymous said...

Couples sharing bed daily is something I can't understand. Probably once monthly or even weekly might be, but every night!

Coleslaw said...

I've always had a hard time sharing a bed with anyone else, but for the most part, that was due to having a small bed. I need my space. I need quiet. I need a constant, cool temperature. All these things get disrupted when you throw an extra body in the mix. I've found, though, that the larger the bed, the more room there is to get away from the SO and snuggle up on your own, so I can understand couples who share a bed nightly when the bed is queen sized or larger.

Everyone else is crazy. :P

gatto said...

Beds are for snuggling kitties!

I used to have plenty of room for all four of my beloved kitties to cuddle me, but since I moved I now have a twin bed, and it is kind of small. It can get crowded with even just a couple of cats, and they fight for a spot. Last night Colette growled for several minutes at Cassandra who was crowding into her "personal space", before finally leaving to find somewhere else. At least there are sports for kitties on either side of the bed, though, so it's not as bad as it might otherwise be.