Thursday, March 13, 2008

Could I Be Asexual?

Well, I finished my article! Or at least, this is the first draft, now in darker purple for your reading ease. I'm going to try to submit it to some of those sex-information websites for teens. Feedback would be much appreciated-- anything from language/grammar to overall content is fair game! (Except for the formatting-- that is, as always, in God's hands.)

In a society where we're pre-conditioned to be heterosexual, it's a healthy and normal thing to question your sexuality. But that doesn't mean it's not scary or confusing, especially when your orientation might be one that's lesser-known, like asexual. Asexuals are people that aren't attracted to either sex, and studies have shown that they're at least one percent of the population. Asexuality is just as valid an orientation as being gay, straight, or bi, but can be a little harder to figure out. The simplest advice I can offer? Remember that there are no absolutes when it comes to sexuality, and don't rush to label yourself just because you feel pressured to do so. Now, here are some common questions:

  1. I've never had a crush on anyone. Could I be gay, or am I asexual?

Maybe you’re not just the kind of person who gets crushes; perhaps you’re too practical for all that sighing and giggling. Think not about whether you have a “crush”, but whether you’ve ever been attracted to someone. If this has never happened and you’re, say, 13, I honestly wouldn’t worry about it too much. Your inclinations could still change a lot in the next few years. But if you’re 18 or 19 and have not experienced attraction, you may want to consider that you could be asexual…or very, very, picky.

  1. My friends are always saying that this or that girl is hot, but I just don't understand what they're talking about. What's up with that?

You have a few options: Either your friends have different tastes in girls than you do, you’re not into girls at all, or you’re not into girls or guys. If we’re just talking about probabilities here, being asexual is probably the least likely option—but, it is still an option. I know that many asexual people have had the same experience as you. But whether or not the label fits is something only you can decide.

  1. I had sex with my boyfriend, but I just found it boring. Is there something wrong with me?

Everyone tells us how exciting sex is, but what no one seems to mention is how hard it can be to find a partner you’re really compatible with. The most likely answer is that you’re not as into your boyfriend as you thought you were. Sex is so hyped-up that it can be natural to feel a little disappointed if the experience isn’t what you hoped it would be. Sex can get more interesting as we get older and more aware of our bodies. But, if you think your relationship would be terrific without the sex, maybe asexuality is something for you to explore further.

  1. How can I know if I'm asexual or just have issues?

If you’re depressed, have low self-esteem, were abused, or have survived any number of difficulties, you may be wondering if these are the reasons you’re not interested in sex, or if you’re actually asexual. Well, that’s a good question to be asking. Depression or abuse doesn’t cause asexuality, but asexuals are just as likely to deal with these things as anyone else is. If you’re dealing with issues like this, you already know that you have many things to figure out. Know that many asexuals are depressed because they feel isolated, or worry that they will never have relationships or family. Remember that you are not alone, and that asexuals can achieve anything they want to—it just may take a little longer.

Get support:

asexuality.org: The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network is the largest and busiest asexual forum online. It’s a great place to tell your story, and no matter where your mind is at, you’re sure to find like-minded people.

apositive.org: These free-spirited theorists are on a mission to compile all known information about asexuality—a great place to find information!

Suggestions for a third "resource" would be especially welcome, since good things supposedly come in threes. And yes, I'm aware that in the end, my answer to question #4 sounds like the opener to "Little People, Big World"...

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

Another option for number 3 that's worth mentioning is that, even if the person in question is very attracted to their boyfriend, he simply may not have a clue what he's doing, especially if it's the first time for both of them. Penetrative sex can be very painful if done wrong, and oral/manual/other sex can be rather boring and ineffective unless you know the proper technique. Both are skills that need to be taught and practiced.

Of course, if you don't understand why anyone would bother taking the time and energy to learn that sort of thing, then you could very well be asexual... ;)

Ily said...

Thanks Anon, that's a really good point. I'll see if there's a way I can make that clearer. I have that part about "knowing what you like" and all that, but let's face it, there are a million reasons why someone could have bad sex. :-)

Anonymous said...

I thought that this was a really helpful article. I guess I must have just been in denial or ridiculously oblivious to the norm, but is being a virgin at 19 really that rare? (and having never wanted to date)

I guess what I mean is, this topic seems really hard to draw a line. For all I know, I might just be really, really picky... (That made me laugh when I read it)

Thank you for the article, though, it's very encouraging!

Ily said...

You're welcome, I'm glad you liked it! No, I don't think it's that rare to be a virgin at 19. However, from what I've read, it seems that if you've never experienced sexual attraction by 19, there's a better chance you're asexual than a late bloomer.

Alice M. said...

I was emotionally/mentally abused as a child, which you addressed in this article, but have had a couple unsuccessful relationships in the past. I am attracted to guys, but find sex, for lack of a better word, gross and uninteresting, yet love reading very particuler romance stories with sex scenes, basically am addicted to them, but only ones between a dedicated and loving pair of boys. Personally, I have no sex drive and can't see myself having one, though mind you I'm 18, but still. I think I'm asexual, but what do you think? Oh, also, to clear confusion, I'm a girl.

Ily said...

Heya Alice! It's hard to tell another person whether or not they're asexual, since it is all about desires, not behavior. You mention being attracted to men, so what you might want to ask yourself is whether or not that attraction is sexual. Asexuals don't experience sexual attraction, but we can experience romantic attraction. You might also find the FAQs on AVEN helpful, they go into a bit more depth than this post. Err...did that help at all? ;-)

Alice M. said...

Haha, it did, thank you. And I guess it didn't go through, but I thought I edited it to mention that I'm not attracted to guys sexually, just mildly romantically (at best). Thank you very much fo the insight and link!

Ily said...

No problem...welcome to the club ;-)

Anonymous said...

Question to add:

I used to have crushes in the past, but I don't feel an attraction anymore. Could I still consider the possibility of being asexual?

Ily said...

Well, you can have crushes on people and be asexual. I've had crushes on people before, without having sexual feelings towards them. If you used to feel sexual attraction and now you don't, I'm less sure what to make of that. Sexuality can change, though, sometimes. Ultimately, a label is your own, so you are the one that needs to be comfortable with it.

Macky4 said...

Ok thanks that really helped except i have a question....well i have had...not crushes...but jes wanted someone to be mine. I never seen an interest in guys so i assumed i was a lesbian. The only problem is i find sex with either gender disgusting and foul. I just found out this asexual thing and even as a girl i never liked anyone. I have been badly abused sexually and my therepist says that may have a reason why im (maybe) asexual...? I was just wondering what you though...???

Ily said...

@Macky: First of all, I'm sorry to hear that you were abused. Being abused doesn't mean you can't identify as asexual though, if that is what you want to do. The "asexual" label is only useful if it helps you understand yourself better. And, asexuals can have crushes or "want someone to be theirs". Sorry I can't say "you are asexual" or "you aren't". Even if I knew you well, it would be a difficult thing to do. Definitely check out AVEN though, if you haven't already. For me, it was reading the experiences of multiple asexuals that helped me figure myself out the most.

Ily said...

@Macky: I thought I'd responded to you, but I guess it didn't post? Silly Blogger! Anyway, I'm really sorry to hear you were abused. That doesn't mean you can't identify as asexual though, if it's what you want. Labels are just things to help you understand yourself better. They're not written in stone, and some people's sexualities can change over time. Yes, asexuals can have the feeling of "wanting someone to be mine". I'm sorry I can't tell you "you are asexual" or "you aren't". That would be really difficult, even with someone I knew well. I do recommend you check out AVEN if you haven't already. For me, it really helped to read the stories of a lot of other asexuals, and to see what matched up and what didn't. Good luck to you!

Anonymous said...

So... what if I've had romantic crushes but never actual sexual attraction?

Ily said...

@Anon: You could very well be asexual. It's all about whether you experience sexual attraction. Some asexuals have romantic crushes, and some don't.

sumz said...

Umm. So my issue is that I am physically attracted to people, but feel no emotional feelings for them. At all, and then I have deep feelings for people, but don't have any physical attraction to them at all. What's going here??? I'm so confused....

Ily said...

@sumz: Yeah, I can see how that could be confusing. I wish I could tell you something really helpful, but it's hard to do without knowing you--and no one else can tell you what or who you are, besides. But, it's possible for people's emotional and physical attractions to not match up. I bet it's more common than we know. There are aromantic sexuals, homoromantic heterosexuals, romantic asexuals...the list of combinations goes on. Does that resonate with you at all? Not everyone's sexuality fits neatly into a box.

Anonymous said...

I'm 24, never had a boyfriend, never been in a rlationship. I haven't even kissed anyone. I'm a virgin of course, and this makes me feel like a loser. It's just that I have had plenty of chances to date, or be i a relationship and I want one, but as soon as I get there, I just feel extremely uncorfortable and back off. I'm not crazy about sex, though I do wish to have it, but just the idea of havind sex witha boy, or girl, just grosses me out. Could I be asecual or maybe psycologically damaged?

Ily said...

@Anon: Serious question--who ISN'T a little bit psychologically damaged? All sex is not created equal, and there might be kinds of sex, situations, and partners that appeal to you more than others. Whether or not you're asexual, being a virgin doesn't make you a loser. I have kissed people, and it wasn't too enjoyable--I think it's better to wait until you're likely to have a good experience than to just get it over with. At any rate, while I can't tell you "what you are", you are not alone! This isn't easy stuff to figure out, but a lot of people are in the same place.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if I'd be asexual or not. I am a 20 year old female and I've never been in a relationship before. I have kissed guys and have been on dates with guys, but the sexual attraction is just not there. I have never been romantically or sexually interested in girls either. I'm in university and there are guys in my residence who have been calling me a queer bag and a lesbian. I dress somewhat androgynously. So am I asexual or am I a lesbian apparently?

Ily said...

@Anon: When it comes to figuring out your orientation, the only thing that matters is your own experience--not what some imbeciles in your hall think. You could be asexual, but it all comes down to whether or not you find the label helpful for describing yourself. I definitely recommend checking out some more asexual blogs, forums, or videos. Seeing that I could relate to other asexuals' experiences was what helped me decide. (And yeah, it's a common misconception that lack of heterosexuality = homosexuality.)

Danielle said...

This article was very helpful to me. I'm an eighteen year old female, and I'm starting to think I'm asexual. I noticed when I was about fourteen that I wasn't really attracted to guys. I thought maybe I was attracted to girls, so I went down that road for a bit but I'm not attracted to them either.. It's strange. Everyone else my age that I know of are all about relationships and sex but I'm just not. I've felt deep connections with people, but I've honestly never really had that sexual attraction- or a desire for sex. Could I be asexual....?

Ily said...

@Danielle: I'm glad it was helpful! (And I'm kind of surprised/happy that people are still finding this post, since it's a couple years old now.) I think most asexuals can relate to feeling left out while other people are pursuing sex, but you're definitely not the only one who feels the way you do.

Anonymous said...

I just found this article and I think it's pretty accurate to me.
I'm a 17 year old guy, and I always wondered the whole deal about sexual attraction. People around me have always talked about finding someone really attractive, and while I look at the person, and I can see why, and even appreciate it, the first thoughts in my head are not 'I wanna do dirty things to her'. It doesn't even cross my mind.
Of course, this led me to question whether or not I was gay.
But even worse. When I hear girls pointing out a supposedly attractive guy, I don't even know what to appreciate. So I've been mighty confused for a while.
I've always been so curious about sex though. I find the notion of being that close to someone intriguing but kinda frightening. I can't imagine really enjoying the kind of thing myself.
And like you said before. Something that's happened a lot in my life is the whole no hetero=homo, which is kind of annoying.
Does this sound about right? I mean I know that it's ultimately a decision I have to make, but maybe I'm just odd :P

Anonymous said...

@Anon--I don't know if this will help at all, but...

I have a HUGE crush that I think about sexually, and sometimes I wonder how bad he would smell being that close. So you're not quite alone about finding sex intriguing and... smelly??

You don't necessairly find anything to "appreciate." I really can't find anything in my crush. Plus, it took me a year to become attracted.

The fact that you've never been attracted could quite possibly mean you're asexual. This domain is the "one percent club," but, in theory, that's not completely accurate, because if there's a sex survey for a person who's uninterested in sex to take, would he take it? Probably not. So, there's probably a lot more asexuals than one out of every a hundred, we just haven't recorded them all.

I only have sexual thoughts maybe once a month, and for me the moment when I... express it... there has to be certain guidelines and rules. So...

I might not be the best person to post back (leave that to Ily) but your comment stood out to me and I wanted to answer the best I could.

People used to call me a lezbo. It's so annoying, isn't it?? :-/

So, I hoped I acheived SOMETHING here.

-Cheers,
fellow Ananamous

Ily said...

Second Anon: Hey, you did good! I think you made some great points. To the other Anon (the 17-year guy)...yeah. I was intrigued about sex as a teen, and I guess I still am. When I read about it though, it just sounds like more trouble than it's worth. I can also relate to seeing that someone is handsome/beautiful, but not wanting to "hit that", "jump their bones", or whatever else. I'm glad you know that the decision is ultimately up to you :) If you're just finding out about asexuality now, definitely look around, read more, and take your time. When it comes to sexual identity, some people come to conclusions fairly quickly, and some people question for a long time. Neither way is better than the other.

Anonymous said...

I'm a 19 year old who, up until recently, has identified as gay. Forgive me for being blunt, but I get turned on at the littlest things and find guys in porn hot, but in real life sex and guys bore me. I have no desire for a relationship.

I've considered the possibility of being asexual several times before, but am still confused about what that label really means. I experience sexual feelings, but sex does nothing for me. Other people do nothing for me. I enjoy porn and masturbating, but I could care less about the real thing (or relationships, for that matter).

Is there a chance I could be asexual? I'm really confused. Any help would be appreciated.

Ily said...

@Anon: No apologies necessary, this is a blog about sexuality after all! So, asexuals are people who experience little or no sexual attraction. It's not clear from your post whether your sexual feelings involve real people, or fantasy. Asexuals can get turned on and masturbate, or think something might be hot on a fantasy level, but they feel no attraction towards actual people. It's kind of like, if a lesbian is turned on by straight porn, that doesn't mean she's straight if she's still attracted exclusively to women outside of her fantasy life.

Sexual attraction and the desire for relationships are two completely different things. If you're not familiar with the term "aromantic", you might want to look it up. It's mostly asexuals who use it, but it can apply to people who aren't asexual as well. I also think it's possible to experience sexual attraction towards someone and yet not actually want to have sex with them. I dunno, was this helpful at all?

Ilyria said...

I loved that example of 'a lesbian watching straight porn', since I do know a lot of people who can watch straight or gay porn and still find themselves not wanting to engage in these things.

Given that I'm 22, a virgin, and have never had any interest in sex in real life, yet have quite a lot of fantasies and a lot of crushes (though these are separate! Never had sexual thoughts of someone I had a crush on), I was damn confused.

I think this and the AVEN site helped clarify that my crushes and fantasies do not equal being bisexual with sexual issues, as I feared.

I'm simply romantically attracted to both genders, but have sexual desires that I have no drive or desire to play out in real life.


Thank you so much!

Natalie L said...

HI! I've always kinda questioned my sexuality a little bit, but come to the conclusion that i'm straight. and since i've been younger, i've had 'crushes' on guys. But a few days ago it randomly occurred to me that in the instances (there have been 3), in which I thought I was attracted to a guy who actually liked me back (only one of them was for sure, the other two were just friends and I wasnt really sure about my feelings), in every case I've shied away from starting a relationship. I just assumed it was because I'm picky, but lately even if I see someone as attractive its way more objective. Like I notice whether a girl is attractive the same amount as I do for a guy. But I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. And I realized this at a really inconvenient time, as I was standing in a Tim Hortans line to get coffee lol Anyway, I'm not really sure whats up. I've been kinda depressed lately, and again, I do consider myself to be straight, but maybe that's just because I've grown up believing I am?
Sorry, as I've been typing this I've kind of realized that it probably is just the fact that I'm picky, since I tend to over-analyze things. Either way, I know there's nothing 'wrong' with being asexual, but I guess after typing this up I've almost reassured myself that I'm not?
I'd still appreciate your input though :)

Ily said...

Hey Natalie! Well, it's possible to be asexual *and* picky. I might fall into that category. Like, I can find people good-looking but it's very rare that I notice someone like that. I also used to identify as straight, and had crushes on guys, but I never thought about whether or not I wanted to actually have sex with them. When I thought about my crushes, I wanted to be close to them but not in a sexual way.

Do you know if you're into romantic relationships at all? Would you be more likely to want to date these guys if you knew it wouldn't be sexual?

You do sound like you are fitting the definition of "asexual", but I know people who fit the definition and yet don't identify with the word. Labels are just tools to understand yourself and "find your people", so take and reject whatever helps you. If you have any more questions, let me know!

A K said...

I'm a 14 year old female and I am asexual. I acknowledge that I may experience attraction in the future, but this has not yet occurred. I have seen many people that are very good looking, and feel that if I did experience attraction, I would be attracted to them, but I am not. I have had romantic crushes, but no crush based on a persons looks. I have always believed that personality is the most important trait to consider in a relationship.

I know that I am young, but I feel like this is who I really am. I have been doing research for months, and everything I see conforms to what I feel. I have even resorted to taking online quizzes, and every single one with an option for asexuality indicates me as that. All other tests without that option all agree about my romantic orientation (homodemiromantic). I know my age may make you consider otherwise, but I know myself. I know that I may change, but I know that this is unlikely. This is me. I am asexual. I am happy with who I am.

Anonymous said...

I really needed an article like this. I am a 27 year old male and have been in several sexual relationships in the past (I even have a young son.)

The problem is, I develop strong emotional connections with people (either male or female) but have zero interest in sex. I have only been able to have intercourse while heavily under the influence, and only because I was afraid of hurting my romantic interest. I thought that there was something seriously wrong with me. Reading your article as well as those over at AVEN I have come to identify myself as a bi-romantic asexual. I love people, but have zero interest in sex. Thank you for helping me find myself and get free of a terrible treatment trying to "fix" myself. Do you recommend any reading on how to maintain a healthy asexual relationship, as I do develop deep crushes and have fallen head over heels only to he hurt when my lack of sexual interest becomes a problem.

Ily said...

Hi Anon, congrats on your self-discovery! This was a good blog that discussed an asexual/non-asexual relationship:
http://grasexuality.wordpress.com/
My best advice to you is that, if you're dating someone, be very honest from the beginning about your asexuality. It will be awkward, and might end some relationships before they begin, but it's better than the alternative. And good luck :)

Anonymous said...

The first point feels kind of problematic in the sense that crushes (at least as I understand them) don't really have much to do with sexual attraction. I'm aromantic allosexual and I've never experienced a crush, and it's my understanding that most romantic asexual people do. Unless you're also going to talk about aromanticism, I don't think it really makes sense to include that point.