Monday, August 11, 2008

Paranoid Ilyoid

Also sort of related to the Tyra show:

Filming for "Asexuality, the Making of a Movement" is apparently ongoing. I was recently asked if I wanted to appear in some footage with David about the pros and cons of asexual exposure (har, har) in the media. For a day or so, I thought about how I was going to reply to the e-mail. Then David called me, and I was all, "Ehn...errr....ahhh..."

I said before that I didn't want to be in the movie anymore, but I feel kind of like an idiot not being willing to back up my views in person. I communicate best by writing, but it's powerful to have a face attached to a voice. I'm guessing that David doesn't want to be seen to be the only asexual in San Francisco, and without me in the film, it'll probably seem that way.

But visibility can bring up interesting questions about personal boundaries. I'm a very paranoid person and at this point in my life, my confidence is low. If I didn't have some photography experience myself, I'd probably still be thinking that the camera was a soul-stealing device. Maybe there's a reason I majored in theater instead of film. I love movies, and it's tempting to be involved in them. But saying lines is very different from representing your own personal beliefs. And since I do that so much better in writing, I can be unwilling to do anything different. I wouldn't call myself a control freak by any means, but I'm afraid of representations of myself that I can't control. While a movie would probably reach more new people than this blog, I'm uncomfortable with the risk. I suppose perfectionism rears its head in all sorts of places...

1 comment:

The Impossible K said...

I understand completely when you say you communicate best by writing- I feel the same way. And after seeing how vicious the media is with celebrities and politicians, it's easy to see why you'd want to shy away from that spotlight.
At times, I've wondered what I would do if I were asked to publicly express my personal beliefs. And honestly, I feel like a coward because I don't think I'd be able to. Not the way I can in writing. So yes, I definitely understand how you feel... but if you ever do decide to step outside the "virtual visibility" of this blog, I hope you know there are many Aces (myself included) who will "virtually" stand behind you and support those efforts too. :)