Gayness Thrust Upon Them

"Some are born gay,
Some achieve gayness,
And some have gayness thrust upon them."
--Shakespeare, sort of.

"The lesbian personality manifests itself in independence of spirit, in willingness to take responsibility for oneself, to think for oneself, not to take 'authorities' and their dictum on trust. It usually includes erotic attraction to women, although we know there have been many women of lesbian personality who never had sexual relations with one another."
--Elsa Gidlow, quoted in Surpassing the Love of Men, pg. 385

Yes folkswagons, I've finished Surpassing the Love of Men. There are way too many quotes that I want to share with you. One amazing thing about the book is that it gives you gaydar. Since I started it, I suddenly see lesbians everywhere. I don't know how to explain that. Someone even thought I was a lesbian, which has never happened before, to my knowledge.

Anyway, magical powers aside, it's the end of the book, about the modern lesbian, where Faderman's more unusual ideas come into play. Lesbians, she seems to say, are not a sexual orientation, but a socio-political category. She divorces lesbians from gay men entirely, and wonders what feminist in her right mind wouldn't seriously consider becoming a lesbian. I have to say, I admire the abandon with which Faderman rejects the defensive "we were born this way!" credo that every minority sexual orientation hangs onto. Like Faderman might, I also believe that the obsession for finding scientific "causes" for our orientations are just distractions from our acceptance. If you're not looking for a cure (yuck!), why bother with a cause?
Saying that you choose to be a lesbian because you hate the patriarchy is the biggest screw-you to hetero norms that I can imagine. I have to give that mad respect. Faderman also takes sex out of the lesbian equation (like Elsa Gidlow above), which I appreciate. But what is the implication for everyone else's orientation? Faderman would probably call me a lesbian, because I'm a feminist (and the most logical choice for feminists is to be lesbian) and I see her book's "romantic friendship" as my ideal. Never mind that my few experiences with attraction have all been with men, I'd probably be a lesbian anyway.

Maybe when you're sexual, it's easier to change the gender of your desire than to produce desire that was never there. I wouldn't know. I wish I could say, "I choose to be asexual!" but I can't, because I was definitely born this way. I've tried to manufacture attraction, and I couldn't do it. Does it make sense that asexuality is inborn (at least for me) but lesbianism is a political choice?
Cause is probably, like Shakespeare might say, a multi-faceted thing. We may not choose to be asexual, but choosing to identify as such is just as much a socio-political stance as the choice to be a lesbian. As asexuals, we're also independent spirits who want to choose our own destinies. If we weren't, we'd pretend to be straight. Faderman emphasizes all the things that lesbians gain by so identifying. Asexuals tend to focus on the negative-- but we have just as much reason to hold our heads high as we surpass the love of...well, everyone.

I Love Me

Self-love can be a tricky proposition. We live in such an individualistic, me-first kind of society, but it also tears us down the moment we fail to live up to its standards. And a lot of the time, we're complicit. Loving myself unconditionally is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. There's nothing particularly asexual about that, but there's something that's just so goshdarn asexual about this song, I have to share it:

"I Love Me"
performed by Tiny Tim
Music by Edwin J. Weber
Words by Jack Hoins and Will Mahoney

When people write their songs of love they write of one another
It's always sis, or ma, or pa, or sweetheart, wife, or brother
But love songs that they've aimed at me have all gone on the shelf
I don't think that it's fair, so now I'll write one for myself.

I love me, I love me, I love myself to death
I love me, I love me, till I'm all out of breath
I stop at every slot machine that I should chance to pass
And give myself a hug and squeeze as I look in the glass!

Oh, I love me, I love me, I'm wild about sweet me
I love me, only me, so I'm content you see,
I like myself with such delight
I take me right straight home each night
And sleep with me till broad daylight
I'm wild about myself.

I love me, I love me, my birthday's once a year
I love me, Only me, and when my birthday's near
I go with me and buy myself some gifts to put away
Then I surprise myself with them when I wakes up that day!

I love me, I love me, I'll marry me some day
Right away, Saturday, I'll give me all my pay
With me I like to make a date
To meet myself at half-past eight
If I'm not there I never wait
I'm wild about myself.

I know a girl who has the boys proposing by the dozen
Among her lists are rich and poor and even one lone cousin
But when she speaks of love to me I treat her with disdain
I loudly shout, "There's someone else!"
And then this wild refrain:

Oh I love me, I love me, and every place I go
I love me, I love me, and at the movie show
I take myself right by the arm and push me through the crowd
And listen to myself repeat the titles right out loud.
I love me, I love me, I love to squeeze my hand
I love me, I love me, It always feels so grand
With me I get right in my tub
I let myself give me a rub
Oh how I love to feel me scrub
I'm wild about myself.

I love me, I love me, I'm wild about myself
I love me, I love me, my picture's on my shelf.
You may not think I look so good, but me thinks I'm divine
It's grand when I look in my eyes and know I'm mine, all mine!

I love me, I love me, and my love doesn't bore
Day by day in every way I love me more and more.
I take me to a quiet place
I put my arm around my waist...
If me gets fresh I slap my face!
I'm wild about myself.

Now, isn't that asexual, but also kind of bizarre? And not just due to Tiny Tim's associations with it. Most of the things mentioned in the song are really healthy things to do with yourself, but when put into song, they just seem...weird. Maybe even a little shocking. Are we just so used to songs about lovers that the "lifelong romance" with ourselves is jarring? But our relationships with ourselves are, dare I say, the most important ones we'll ever have. I think they merit a little song and dance.

[Above: The late Tiny Tim, unclassifiable musical personality, whose "...distaste for sex seemed logical when paired with his gentle, asexual demeanor." (Allmusic)]

Want to Fail at Passing?

"These responses reflect the way that, in order to pass as politically sucessful, social movements often feel compelled to adopt the language and goals of the state, a phenomenon that is particularly disturbing in an era when the state incresaingly defines "fixing" individual behavior or putting people in prison as the only solutions to social problems."
--Marked by me as "let's not do this", Priya Kandaswamy, Nobody Passes pg. 94

I'm also reading a book called Nobody Passes: Rejecting the Rules of Gender and Conformity. It's all about one of my favorite topics, "passing". Passing is basically the ability to be regarded as another, usually more privileged group than the one you belong to. The book is fascinating, almost exhilarating stuff, but it begs the question: As asexuals, how can we NOT pass? We can come out to everyone in shouting distance, but how do we stay out? Aces are in the strange position of being forced to pass. By people I don't know, I'm assumed to be straight, unless I have a book about queer sexuality open (which I often do), and then I'm percieved as gay. The fact that asexuals can so easily pass as straight, with all the social privelege that comes with that, is a huge conundrum of A life. Without any defining characteristics to go on, how am I supposed to find others like me? No wonder hooking up as an asexual is so hard.

In the 1970s, gay men used the bandana code to find others who shared their sexual proclivities. (No, you can't remember them all-- just the ones that apply to you. But did anyone really go out sporting Kewpie dolls or mosquito netting?) This was before bars could call themselves "gay bars". And with the dearth of A-bars, how many people would actually register any bandana code we could invent? Would my purple bandana, intent on flagging fellow As, draw people trying to pierce me instead?

There are asexual shirts, such as the ones available for sale on AVEN, and I know people have also made their own. There were the wristbands, which I think two people have. There was discussion on AVEN of wearing a black hemitite ring on the right middle finger, and it seems like a group of people actually went ahead and ordered these rings. But, how to differentiate ourselves from all the other people wearing hemitite rings? I know at least two people have gotten asexual tattoos. Apparently, lesbians used to identify themselves with nautical star tattoos (although these days everyone and their mom has one). That's pretty intense, even for me. What could help is some day when we all wear the same thing. But AVEN only has 14,000 members, which isn't really enough because we're not geographically concentrated.

I guess the short answer is, I don't know. Do you? I hope someone does.

More Paneltasticness

Tomorrow, I'm going to be on another panel, this time at Stanford University with the always-illuminating Karli and DJ. Here's some of the things we'll be talking about:

How do asexual people define themselves and build community?

We drink coffee and talk about dating? I try to build community by doing visibility stuff (like this panel) and organizing meetups, and I'm not sure what else I can do. If there are other ways of building community, I'm frothing at the mouth to learn what they are!

Are asexual people queer and feminist?

Not all women are feminist, let alone all asexual people, although my feminist self thinks everyone in the world needs to be feminist. Feminism's great for all of us, I promise! When it comes to "sex-as-power", women tend to get a raw deal, and asexuality does provide some liberation from this. It also frees men from having to associate their masculinity with sexual prowess. I think As are queer (as far as everything that doesn't follow a heterosexual model is), but I know not all of us want to use that identifier.

How do asexual people disrupt gender norms?

Well, since most gender norms have some component of sexual desirability, when you stop trying to attract people of the opposite (or any) sex, you tend to "lose" your gender. At least, this has been my experience. I identify as a woman, but it's not as large a part of my identity as it seems to be for other women.

How do asexual people hook up?

I really have no idea. Still waiting for the A-bar.

What's the difference between sexual relationships and friendship?

Besides the sex, I'd say it's probably the amount of time and dedication you spend on the person. And I think it's regrettable that we're taught to only see sexual relationships as "primary" in our lives. But that's just me.

Also, I'm being billed as a "radical asexual blogger", which is exciting. My first thought was, "What do radical asexual bloggers wear?" At any rate, this will be fun.

Vote for me!

Aha, voting is up for Best of Blogs! Thanks to you, I've reached the final stages of competition. So, if you like this blog, go and vote for me! It could be good visibility-- apparently, the BoB site has had 376,620 visitors. If you hate this blog and want me to be destroyed by fame, go and vote for me! If you're bored and want something to do, vote as well. You can do it every day until the voting ends. Here's how to do it:

Go here:

http://www.thebestofblogs.com/page/2/

Scroll down to "Best LGBT blog" and then cast your vote for "theonepercentclub" (my URL).

If I win, I don't think I get anything of material value. But, I will get glory, which you will share if you vote! I know my readers are enmeshed in the democratic process...

Finally: Making Love the Way I Understand It

Well, I thought all the nominees for the "Best of Blog" awards would be announced this morning, but I guess not, so I'll have to find something else to write about (and some other way to promote myself, har har). Because we all need some more silliness in these trying economic and political times, here's a form of sex that I can wholeheartedly enjoy:

Makin' Love Ukulele Style
by Dean Martin

Making love ukulele style you needn't be in Waikiki
Making love ukulele style to a lovely ukulele serenade.

When you love ukulele style
Well everyone knows you're heart will float far away
To a tropic isle while a ukulele tune is softly played.

Strolling along beneath the starlight
Dreaming a lover's dream for two
Soon you will see her eyes of starlight
As the ukulele magic comes through.

Now if you want to satisfy
The one that you love all else above
Take a tip and be sure you try the ukulele style of making love.

Strolling along beneath the starlight
Dreaming a lover's dream for two
Soon you will see her eyes of starlight
As the ukulele magic comes through.

Now if you want to satisfy
The one that you love all else above
Take a tip and be sure you try the ukulele style of making love
Try the ukulele style of making love!

Hear an old-skool version of the song here. And an utterly loungetastic Youtube video version here. The latter is not safe for work; your boss may make fun of you indefinitely. And I wouldn't leave you hanging without letting you know how to make love ukulele style for yourself: Here are chords! (And yes, it even shows you positions.)

Harold & Kumar: Boston Marriage for Guys

"Your love was wonderful to me, passing the love of women."
--David to Jonathan, 2 Samuel, I, 26

"You're my best friend. I love you."
--Kumar to Harold, Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay

After spending time with Surpassing the Love of Men, watching Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay seemed oddly relevant. If Harold and Kumar had been Victorian women, they definitely would have been "romantic friends". If that seems like a strange statement, just look at their relationship: They live together, seem to spend little time apart, bring out the possibilities in each other, and no matter what dangers they face-- everything from crazed Homeland Security officers to being carjacked by Neil Patrick Harris, they stick together through it. Even when one of them makes a horrible decision, their destinies remain intertwined. They pursue women (mostly for sex), but this never affects their friendship, as it's just one more thing they do together.

[Above: Harold and Kumar. I'll never let go!]

The "inseparable buddy characters" are an archetype that resonates with me as an A person. But where is the female version? In the trailers before Guantanamo Bay, I saw two more male buddy movies: College and The Pineapple Express. The only mainstream female buddy movie that I think I've ever seen has been Muriel's Wedding (one of my all-time favorite movies). I'm thinking of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, but you don't get the idea, as you do with Harold and Kumar, that the characters will probably spend the rest of their lives together.

Why the dearth of female buddies? If there was a large market for those movies, they'd probably get made, so perhaps there isn't one. But maybe it's the way women are perceived as being dependent on men, and competitive for men. There's no reason why two female friends couldn't rely on each other to the degree that Harold and Kumar do. But this is something we're hardly ever shown, which gives an impression that there's something about women that makes this kind of friendship impossible. I'm hardly the only person to take issue with this; here's an interesting blog post that discusses the issue:
Does the Female "Buddy" Movie Exist?
And if it doesn't, then goodness gracious, shouldn't it?