I Love Me

Self-love can be a tricky proposition. We live in such an individualistic, me-first kind of society, but it also tears us down the moment we fail to live up to its standards. And a lot of the time, we're complicit. Loving myself unconditionally is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. There's nothing particularly asexual about that, but there's something that's just so goshdarn asexual about this song, I have to share it:

"I Love Me"
performed by Tiny Tim
Music by Edwin J. Weber
Words by Jack Hoins and Will Mahoney

When people write their songs of love they write of one another
It's always sis, or ma, or pa, or sweetheart, wife, or brother
But love songs that they've aimed at me have all gone on the shelf
I don't think that it's fair, so now I'll write one for myself.

I love me, I love me, I love myself to death
I love me, I love me, till I'm all out of breath
I stop at every slot machine that I should chance to pass
And give myself a hug and squeeze as I look in the glass!

Oh, I love me, I love me, I'm wild about sweet me
I love me, only me, so I'm content you see,
I like myself with such delight
I take me right straight home each night
And sleep with me till broad daylight
I'm wild about myself.

I love me, I love me, my birthday's once a year
I love me, Only me, and when my birthday's near
I go with me and buy myself some gifts to put away
Then I surprise myself with them when I wakes up that day!

I love me, I love me, I'll marry me some day
Right away, Saturday, I'll give me all my pay
With me I like to make a date
To meet myself at half-past eight
If I'm not there I never wait
I'm wild about myself.

I know a girl who has the boys proposing by the dozen
Among her lists are rich and poor and even one lone cousin
But when she speaks of love to me I treat her with disdain
I loudly shout, "There's someone else!"
And then this wild refrain:

Oh I love me, I love me, and every place I go
I love me, I love me, and at the movie show
I take myself right by the arm and push me through the crowd
And listen to myself repeat the titles right out loud.
I love me, I love me, I love to squeeze my hand
I love me, I love me, It always feels so grand
With me I get right in my tub
I let myself give me a rub
Oh how I love to feel me scrub
I'm wild about myself.

I love me, I love me, I'm wild about myself
I love me, I love me, my picture's on my shelf.
You may not think I look so good, but me thinks I'm divine
It's grand when I look in my eyes and know I'm mine, all mine!

I love me, I love me, and my love doesn't bore
Day by day in every way I love me more and more.
I take me to a quiet place
I put my arm around my waist...
If me gets fresh I slap my face!
I'm wild about myself.

Now, isn't that asexual, but also kind of bizarre? And not just due to Tiny Tim's associations with it. Most of the things mentioned in the song are really healthy things to do with yourself, but when put into song, they just seem...weird. Maybe even a little shocking. Are we just so used to songs about lovers that the "lifelong romance" with ourselves is jarring? But our relationships with ourselves are, dare I say, the most important ones we'll ever have. I think they merit a little song and dance.

[Above: The late Tiny Tim, unclassifiable musical personality, whose "...distaste for sex seemed logical when paired with his gentle, asexual demeanor." (Allmusic)]