Things Asexual Like: Tea

Silly post ahoy!

So, is tea an asexual stereotype yet? Damn, I hope so. The more posts I do in this series, the more I see that the stuff we like is interrelated. Like, it just makes sense that an anglophilic, teetotaling dandy would be drinking a lot of tea. I've done a bunch of these posts now, and I feel like an archetypal person is actually starting to emerge; one who was not premeditated by me at all (but seems to resemble...a large proportion of the Transyadas--rock on folks, much respect). This stereotypical asexual, if ze even exists, has no relation to what the haters say we are. And, I dig that.

So, if you drink tea, what kind do you like? I'll basically drink anything. I even like yerba mate although I kinda think it tastes like dirt (aka, "earthy"). Can I PLEASE have a lifetime supply of these:

[Image: Bottle of Guayaki Yerba Mate]

I used to say rooibos was my favorite, but I was disappointed one too many times by rooibos that was too weak, despite steeping it for a super-long time. Tea has got to be strong, that's all I ask. Oh, and chai...always, chai.

Anyway, tea made it onto my self-care list for a reason. There's just something about it that puts me into relaxation mode. As a child/teen, I used to only drink it when I was sick, but then I spent a few months working in a London office where I was constantly being handed tea. I started to enjoy it and kept drinking it when I got home--although not in such large quantities, or with "three sugars" (which was apparently a large number, but what did I know?).

Things Asexuals Like: Dandyism

I'm in the mood for a not-so-serious post, and maybe this one is cheating. After all, dandyism seems like a subset of androgyny, which I've already covered. But, do I care? These have always been my favorite posts, and it's high time for more. It's hard to define what exactly a dandy is, whether it's a way of life or only a dress sense. It has a long history in various cultures and I can't possibly do it justice in one post. Just think of Oscar Wilde, though, and I think we'll be on a similar page. Modern dandyism seems to have something to do with aestheticism, gentility, and elegance. People who want to be known for their good taste, manners, wit, and general panache. While in real life, I'm often in jeans and a t-shirt, in my mind I'm like this:

[Image: Woman in a fedora, bright-blue jacket, tie, vest, and yellow loafers. Image from here.]

Or perhaps this:

[Image: Black-and-white vintage images of dandy-esque women in menswear ensembles. From here.]

Although it in no way relates to my daily presentation, at heart I am a dandrogyne, a term which was coined here on the TransYada forums. Dandies would probably prefer to hang out in Victorian-style conservatories, parks, libraries, tea shops, speakeasies, vintage clothing stores, and quaint or unique urban or rural areas not yet beset by Wal-Marts and Starbucks. They would probably not prefer sports bars, 7-11s, rodeos, subdivisions, or shopping malls. There seems to be something very Victorian-era about dandies; I must admit to loving a lot of their aesthetics but hating a lot of their attitudes (see my crush on certain Merchant-Ivory films for evidence of this). Also, there is something very romantic about it, in a Romantic-poets sense, rather than an attraction sense.

Now, I don't think dandyism is relevant to all asexuals, but I feel like there is a strong dandy current in our community. It would not be out of place. In this post, I wrote about some ways in which my personal style could be considered an asexual presentation. On some style blogs that I read, people fear the word "costumey" as a description for their outfits. But I have long been drawn to costumey styles, perhaps because the emphasis is on the wearer's clothing rather than their sexualized body, and because those styles break or mock the norms of gender presentation. I like looking at dandies, but I wouldn't consider them sexy at all. I'm just impressed by the way they put an outfit together--their use of clothing as an art form. Although to dandies, what isn't an art form?

Things Asexuals Like: Anglophilia

Now, I'm just going to go with an instinct here: I think asexuals are into Anglophilia. (Doctor Who, tweed, Alan Rickman, Sherlock Holmes?) I don't think you can be a -phile for your own country, so English readers might have to sit this one out...sorry. (I don't know if Anglophila specifically refers to England, or whether it applies to the UK in general; please forgive me for that.)

America has always been a country of escapists, and certain faraway places tend to capture our imaginations. England, Japan, India, and France seem to be eternal favorites among certain subsets of the population. Why would asexuals like England in particular? Maybe it's because we can somehow relate to more of their character creations, or because it seems to be the biggest hot spot of asexual activity in meatspace, a title it's seemed to hold for quite a few years now. Or maybe we just think that authentic Cadbury chocolates are better than sex. I don't think I'm truly an Anglophile myself, although I do have a soft spot for the place, gained from my study abroad experience and the myriad English/Scottish references of indiepop music. While I'd love to revisit England someday, I know that plenty of English people are as dissatisfied with their country as some Americans are with ours. But that's not really the point of --philia, is it?

Some Habits of the American Anglophile in its Natural Habitat:

• Refers to apartments as "flats", lines as "queues" and cell phones as "mobiles". Further, says "cheers" a lot, perhaps using it as an e-mail sign off.
  
• Spells words differently, as in "humour" or "behaviour"
• Drives a MiniCooper with a Union Jack on the roof
• Knows how various English accents vary regionally, perhaps even adopts one themselves
  
• Drinks black tea incessantly, with "sugars".
  
• Watched every episode of the original "Life on Mars", even though it was so slow-moving that you, the viewer, thought that you were the one in the coma...(okay, maybe that was just me)
  

[Image: John Simm isn't quite sure what to make of your Anglophilia.]

I wonder...can you tell something about people based on the countries they -phile over? I sense a personality quiz in the works. If I was forced to make such a quiz, I would say that the Anglophile is someone who may be uncomfortable in their own culture, however, they still crave familiarity. If they were into trends, they'd say something like, "Well, this week I'm really into Cambodia", but the Anglophile remains loyal throughout the years. The desire for change and stasis at the same time--This is the dilemma of the Anglophile.

(As far as the personality quiz, recently I got a package in the mail and was enchanted by how cute the box was. Something about its size and shape was just so...kawaii! I wanted to cuddle it. So I had to ask myself...am I secretly Japanese? Well, apparently the official line in Japan is concern over their low birth rate. They might need to take in lots of foreigners! Those of you with a discerning eye for design and a love of soba might want to consider that.)

Things Asexuals Like: Long-Distance Relationships

Damn flu season, messing with my blogging. The viruses have whisked away my inhibitions, leading me to admit that I've read both of the "Stuff White People Like" books. I thought the second one, Whiter Shades of Pale, was funnier. At any rate, in that book, Christian Lander writes that white people like long-distance relationships. He calls LDRs "extremely slow breakups" and writes that "an incredible 1oo percent" of LDRs have failed. This, of course, is not the case for asexuals.

The main reason why asexuals like LDRs is a practical one-- if you're asexual and want to date another ace, finding such a person in your general vicinity is very difficult. So, why not expand your search criteria to include "the world"? Last time I was on Acebook, I believe there were only one or two people in my entire state who were interested in women. And we're not talking Rhode Island here. Once the LDR has begun, it's probably easier for two asexuals to maintain it, since there is less concern about cheating and with people getting their sexual needs met.

Apparently, the viruses also cause me to state the obvious.

While I've never been in a romantic LDR, I have many long-distance friends. I value and care about these friends, and don't want our relationship to die just because of distance. But, there are some particular issues to the long-distance friendship. Like with friends, there's no standard for frequency of communication. While I don't want to impose on people by talking to them too frequently, I also don't want people to think I've forgotten them. And, unlike romantic LDRs, where you are probably planning to live in the same place at some point, you may never live in the same place as your platonic LDRs. In these days of increased mobility, most people seem to have long-distance family as well. But for some, of course, that might be exactly how they like it.

Things Asexuals Like: Androgyny

"Androgynous traits are those that either have no gender value, or have some aspects generally attributed to the opposite gender."
--Wikipedia

I really missed "Things Asexuals Like"! I hope this one isn't too much of a stretch. But it seems like quite a few asexuals are androgynous. Some of us actively appreciate androgyny, and I would guess an even larger number of us don't mind it. (That shouldn't be too unusual, but it seems like androgynous people-- is that a boy or a girl?!?!?!-- are an object of consternation to some.)

Personally, I would say I'm definitely androgynous mentally. My way of thinking is both masculine and feminine. But I haven't really looked androgynous since childhood, during which I was once referred to as my mom's son. Since then, I became more interested in clothes and style, and developed an undying love of the color pink. However, since I tend to avoid looking sexy, it seems that I also avoid the top levels of looking feminine as well.

When I think about it, I don't see a lot of "highly-gendered" people at ace meetups. It seems like women have more gender markers-- dresses and heels, complicated hairstyles, and makeup. And most of these things tend to be absent from asexual women I've met. Many of us seem to have short or simple hairstyles, wear little or no makeup, and dress in jeans, sneakers and such. Maybe part of this is just the fact that the Bay Area is extremely casual. But maybe, like me, these people don't really care whether or not their appearance sends out feminine signals. I remember being in a college class, and a girl had come in with a really short haircut. "Don't worry!" said a classmate, "It still looks very feminine". I have a feeling that many asexuals would be unlikely to seek that sort of reassurance.

Things Asexuals Like: Introversion

Again, this isn't really something we "like" per se, but something that seems to predominate among us. According to a poll on AVEN, 93% of 261 respondents claimed to be introverted. I've looked for statistics about what percentage of the total population is introverted versus extroverted, and conclusive evidence is hard to find. However, I've found no evidence that introverts could possibly be more than 50% of the general population. From the results on AVEN, one might think that introverts are just more likely to be on AVEN. As far as people who live on AVEN 24/7, that's probably true. But these days, most everyone is online, regardless of personality type. What I'd be more likely to believe is that introverts are more likely to question their sexuality, since we tend to spend more time alone with our thoughts. Introverts are also often told they're wrong-- that they need to be more outgoing, friendly, or social. There's a big divide between America's ideal personality and the introvert, a fact that could lead to increased self-questioning. Perhaps extroverts are more likely to go along with a crowd, whether it be to a party or to heterosexuality.

Maybe the people who claim "asexuals are smarter" are actually noticing a trait of introversion: The majority of "gifted"people (IQ over 130) are introverted. So maybe those people are actually noticing a real phenomenon, although they phrase it in an unnecessarily elitist way.

I'm an introvert, although apparently not a very strong one, since I tend to get bored when I'm by myself. I also don't like being alone with my thoughts, since I come up with disturbing things like the fact that I'm asexual-- har, har. I think it's important to note that being introverted doesn't necessarily mean you're shy or anti-social. My favorite way to understand the concept is that extroverts get energy from being around lots of people, while this tends to drain introverts. For me, the level to which I'm drained by social activity depends on how well I know and like someone. I can chat with a good friend for hours, but I have low tolerance for "cocktail party"-style banter with strangers. I need time alone to "recharge" from those situations.

One problem I had with writing this post is that I have no idea what the extrovert experience of life is like. The overwhelming majority of my family and friends have always been introverts, which seems unusual since by some counts, we're a minority of 25%. However, this enabled me to better avoid what seems to be a strong anti-introvert bias in American culture. Especially in the job market, the more introverted you are, the more you will get shafted (with some flexibility based on your field, but we don't all get to be computer programmers, you know). According to the well-known article Caring For Your Introvert, extroverts have a hard time understanding introverts. However, I feel like I know the experience of being sexual a lot better than the experience of being extroverted, since I have many sexual friends but few extroverted ones. It's also worth noting that values related to introversion and extroversion vary based on culture and gender. Let me tell you, it's hard to be the strong, silent type-- and female. But apparently, introverts are big in Japan.

Things Asexuals Like: Doubts

This post is going to be a strange amalgamation of "Things Asexuals Like: Overanalyzing" and the last post, in which this one was promised. Anyway, I hope to make something more than no sense whatsoever.

Asexuals like to doubt asexuality, either their own, or in general. Is asexuality really so awesome that we have to constantly wonder if it, or us, are "real"? (Okay, maybe it is.) As weird as it is to quote myself, here's something I wrote on Apositive:

Did anyone here ever NOT wonder if they were a "real" asexual? I ask because it seems so pervasive, and yet I can't remember ever doing this...Maybe this is just my personality, because I tend to get VERY into things and I've always been pretty insusceptible to "peer pressure". It's very hard to just BE asexual. But since asexuality is an orientation, presumably like any other, it would then follow that most of us will, indeed, be asexual forever and no matter what. If this isn't the case, then there is some fundamental difference about asexuality. We're always like, "yes, but what if we find that we're not asexual in the future?" No other orientation that I know of thinks like this-- it's exhausting, really.

Granted, I see the doubting because I have access to places where asexuals are doing it. Outside of the asexual community, it is fairly taboo to talk about questioning your sexual orientation unless it's with someone you know and trust very well. In our culture, indecision or anything resembling it is seriously frowned upon. For instance, I never told anyone that I "might not be straight"-- I went directly from identifying as totally straight to identifying as totally asexual. Maybe everyone doubts. But there is just something about asexuality that makes it seem more ephemeral than other orientations. Why does it sound so strange (at least to me) to say with certainty that I'll be asexual forever and no matter what and until the edge of doom, when I blindly assumed as much about my former heterosexuality?

As the great Josef K would say, It's Kinda Funny. Even at times when I really wished that I wasn't asexual, I knew somewhere in my heart that it wasn't a throwback to heterosexuality I was after, it was an ability to find love as an asexual person. It was always the world I really wanted to change, but that's such a monumental task that of course, at times I get gripped by a desire to be someone else. My heterosexuality largely existed in the background, like a program you're not aware is running. But my asexuality has totally taken over my consciousness and has changed my life in multiple ways. So maybe it's not that asexuality is more ephemeral, it's that it's actually more in-your-face. Of course you'll entertain doubts about something in the process of constantly analyzing it-- as, like I've said, we are wont to do.

I have one theory as to why we tend to doubt our asexuality. I think, among other reasons, it could be because at this point in time, there are no people who have identified as asexual for their whole lives. Either we came out rather young and have most of our asexual lives ahead of us, or we came out later in life after identifying as something else. Sure, there are probably a few older people who found the word "asexual"despite the odds and went with it, but it's hardly an entire generation of asexuals. Out of everyone currently identifying as asexual, there are probably only a small handful of people who have been out for, say, over 10 years (which is not very long anyway). Maybe we doubt because, simply enough, seeing is believing. I can only wonder what the next generation of asexuals will think about all our doubts.

Things Asexuals Like: Overanalyzing

"Going deeper takes longer and hurts more. The courage with which Freud faced the radical madness of modern life in Civilization and Its Discontents is rare. He was prepared to psychoanalyze our entire culture."
--The great Theodore Roszak

Hello, friends! I'm back with another installment of Things Asexuals Like. I think it's pretty obvious that asexuals overanalyze things. And if you think I don't have enough scientific data to make this claim...well...you're just proving my point. I was inspired to write this post when I saw a poll on AVEN about Enneagram types. If you're not familiar with the Enneagram, it's a way to determine personality type based on 9 categories. Usually I'd think this sort of thing is bogus, but my type (#4, if you're curious) described me so accurately that it was sort of eerie. Anyway, in this poll, 40% of AVENites that took an Enneagram test said that their type was #5, "The Thinker". At a distant second place, 14% were #6, "The Skeptic". Is anyone surprised by these results? When people ask "Are asexual smarter?" I think what those people are noticing is not a special intelligence, but rather a disposition towards analysis that can seem like it to the untrained eye.

It has been asked why asexuals spend so much time thinking about and studying asexuality and sexuality in general. And once I started thinking about writing this post, it was suddenly clear to me why this is so. It takes a lot of analyzing, both of yourself and society, to get to asexuality. Overanalyzing is not something you can just turn off once you get to a realization. If you have a tendency to overanalyze things, you've probably had it your whole life, and asexuality is just one of the many things you've thought to death.

And I don't mean to say that I or anyone else "likes" overanalyzing. There can be a certain thrill in coming up with connections between esoteric topics, but it's usually not that fun. It may not be asexuality that leads so many of us into anxiety and depression-- it might be our constant overanalyzing of a mad world. The life of overanalysis can be a very lonely one. Since most of the pillars of our culture ("Buy something and everything will be fine!") survive based on our not thinking about them too much, overanalysis can be both profoundly powerful and profoundly isolating. In fact, I analyzed myself right out of mainstream culture. I wish I could go back to the days when I thought George W. Bush might do an OK job, but sadly, those are gone forever. Now, I get irked whenever I see "Male or female?" as a choice on a survey. Asexuality can be very radicalizing, which I don't think is a bad thing. But that's just one more reason why we need to stick together. One overanalyzer looks like a lunatic, but put a bunch together and it's a movement.

Things Asexuals Like: Doctor Who

This is what I think I know about Doctor Who: It's a TV show on the BBC in which people time-travel in a phone booth (what's a phone booth?). The show has run for an extremely long time but the title character is most recently played by David Tennant, who people seem to find quite the asexy beast. Knowing as little as I do about Doctor Who, I seem to be in a small minority among asexuals. WHO is Doctor Who? Is he supposed to be asexual? Why do we like him so much? Remember when everyone was talking about "The first rule of Fight Club", even people who have never seen or read Fight Club? That's what it's like to be an asexual who's never seen Doctor Who. Even so, I can identify if you have a Doctor Who Livejournal icon and I might be able to pick David Tennant out of a lineup, probably because he's appeared multiple times in the "Who do you find beautiful/handsome?" thread on AVEN. As you can see, Doctor Who appears to be part of our culture, whether we're watchers of the show or not.

Things Asexuals Like: Atheism

I miss the “Things Asexuals Like” series…so I’m going to revive it with atheism!

In a poll on AVEN that 104 people took, 52% said they didn't believe in God, as compared to about 12% of the general population. When Anthony Bogaert studied asexuals, he found we were more religious than the general population. But, AVEN tells a different story. Maybe that's yet another thing that people on internet forums tend to share, like youth or an enjoyment of anime. Or not? I'm not sure. It's worth exploring.

It might be relevant to say I'm not an atheist. However, I do understand atheism and find it logical. As a kid, I didn’t really believe in God, but at some point during my teenage years, I started to think that the existence of a higher power made sense. I’m Jewish, and we probably have the vaguest idea of God imaginable. 2,000 years ago, it was avant-garde to say “There is one God” and leave it at that, but that does leave my beliefs about God relatively unformed. I’m a big religion nerd and love to study all types of religions. My favorites are probably “indigenous” or “folk” religions, like the kind Native Americans or Africans practiced before monotheism was foisted upon them. Apparently, I really do think the spirits of the dead exist and grow stronger, since I’ve found myself asking them to make the bus come faster. But I have to say, like my interests in sex, my interests in religion are mostly in my head. I think Reform Jews are way too subdued, and I admire other groups that perform epic dances, wear snakes on their heads, and bob around in muddy rivers. While I find such practices fascinating, I can’t imagine myself getting swept up in them. I may believe in God, but I don’t love God, and while I’m passionate about the study of religion, I don’t think I’m passionate about God hirself. Then again, how many Jews are? That's not part of our religion like it is in Christianity.

Like I mentioned, I can’t say with any certainty why asexuals seem more likely to be atheist. Maybe it’s because a belief in God is just as illogical as romantic love is. However, I do think God is somewhat logical. I mean, there’s so many things in the universe that we don’t understand and never will—what’s one more? Or maybe it’s just because, as I’ve said before, people who are “alternative” in some way tend to be alternative in other ways, as well. I'm not sure what else to say except for hey, we kinda like atheism.

Things Asexuals Like: Teetotaling

According to an unscientific poll, 53% of the AVEN population doesn't drink alcohol. Even though there are many underage folks on AVEN, I still found this surprising. Much like Scrabble, I am yet again an exception to things that asexuals like. Although I do drink, I was often the token sober person on many a college party-going excursion. We all know that alcohol lowers your inhibitions, and maybe aces are wise to the fact that most of us have inhibitions for a reason. It's odd that a malty beverage could be so closely related to sex, but it is. I remember someone telling me once, with some awe, that they had "sober sex" last night, with the implication being that they mostly had drunk sex. And I don't think that's too uncommon. In "He's Just Not That Into You", there's a whole chapter about men who will only have sex with you when drunk (if you were wondering, they're actually not that into you). However, drinking 'til she's cute is usually a lost cause for asexuals. I'm probably not alone among asexuals when I admit that my stomach gives out before those pesky "inhibitions" do. Unlike some sexual people, my "drunk enough to make out with you" threshold is probably a few sips away from alcohol poisining.

[Above: Most aces probably aren't, although I personally can't think of anything better than a Guinness AND a tortoise...]

Why do I bother drinking at all? Probably because it's the one thing I can do. I'm not going to get my kicks from having sex with random, inappropriate people. Drugs are for people with better networking skills, cigarettes are too expensive, I'm scared of heights, and I'm not aware of the existance of a fight club. So an innocent beer it is! Now, don't get the impression that aces are somehow not as fun as other people just because we're unlikely to lead a rousing chorus of "Don't Stop Believing" at your local bar. We may not be big drinkers, but we can still freebase cocaine with the best of them.

Things Asexuals Like: Tweed

I never read too much into my love of tweed. I thought it was just a manifestation of the love I hold for all things Scottish. But among asexuals, I'm not alone in my fabric fascination. Apparently, we like tweed. It was suggested I search AVEN for tweed-related threads, and I found one called "Tweed, King of Wools", in which the original poster stated that "some people have been talking" about tweed as an asexual trademark. Huh?

[Above: Sherlock Holmes. Asexual icon AND obsessive wearer of tweed. Coincidence?]

Let me think about this a little more. Although I've tried, I've never been able to define my personal style. (A friend once described my fashion sense as "someone on ecstasy".) I love clothes inspired by the 1980s, Japanese "Fruits" looks (probably what inspired the ecstasy comment), and, oddly enough, the clothes worn by British schoolchildren of a bygone era-- knee socks, ties, crests, and tweed coats. Lately, I was thrilled to find a necklace consisting of a tweed bowtie on a chain. I'm also particular about the clothing I'd like to see on others. When I do find someone attractive, it's usually based on what they're wearing, and they usually have a unique look. That may sound shallow, but I find people's clothes more alluring than their bodies or facial features. Maybe it's because a great outfit involves creativity and artistic skill, while a great body involves bench presses and genes, things I'm not as interested in. And a great face is just pure luck. (Although of course, a great smile can trump everything else.)

But as to why aces as a group like tweed in particular? Maybe it has something to do with its professorial/academic connotations (you witnessed my "thing" for Cambridge), since asexuals tend to value intellegence over more physical charms. But that link is tenuous at best. For now, let's just accept tweed for the noble and asexy fabric that it is, and remember to wear yours proudly.

(Thanks to the reader who suggested the tweed idea!)

Things Asexuals Like: Cats

Back by popular demand!
Grace the Spot observes that lesbians like pets. I'll assert that asexuals like cats in particular. Cats do what they damn well please, and really don't care what you have to say about it. We admire this.
Ah, cats mean never having to say you're sorry.
How many cats are too many?
I'd say one cat per room of house is a good way to think about it.
How could you not like this little guy:

I call him Thomas Becket (famous ace?!) because he's so cute you just want to kill him.
My favorite cat-related blogs:
Itty Bitty Kitty Committee
and
I Can Has Cheezburger?

Things Asexual People Like: Alan Rickman

On AVEN, I've been privy to a few threads about which celebrities people find most attractive. I'm always impressed by the diversity and quirkiness of people's choices. Ases don't seem to be into Brad Pitt types, but we seem to have a major thing going for Alan Rickman. I guess everyone likes Alan Rickman, but there are a few reasons why he might appeal so much to asexuals.
First of all, he has a reserved demeanor and seems like an easy-going, respectful guy. Rickman has complained about being perpetually cast as a villian, and it's easier to imagine him covertly murdering someone than passionately ripping their clothes off. We like this quality. Rickman seems to be indifferent as to whether he gets the girl or not, and this just makes him more alluring to people of all sexualities. (Not to mention, he seems to be aging extremly well.) He's a serious "Ac-TOR" (we always appreciate people who get by on their talents rather than sex appeal) and you probably have no overwhelming desire to see him naked (although I was able to find what could be the one existing picture of Rickman shirtless). Furthermore, his co-star Emma Thompson has commented on his lack of interest in women. Rickman himself has even made remarks about his lack of sexual "voracity". It seems like his first love is the stage, and as a former student of theater, I can understand that. And of course, we like him because we think he may be one of us. If it's true, then Alan, sing out! Your cake is waiting in the vestibule.