I have no excuse...while I have a Tumblr (Tumblog?), I rarely update it. When I do, the main thing I post is pictures of vegan food that I make; I only do the occasional ace-related reblog. For a couple of reasons, I haven't felt very creative lately, including in the kitchen. But today while I was taking a walk, a couple of things gelled together in my head (don't you just love it when that happens)? So, here you have it...another continuation of the thoughts from this post. I also have a "place" tag here, although it's not very populous yet.
A couple of days ago, I was talking to a woman who's training as a psychologist. She mentioned that sharing novel experiences with your partner is one of the main ways we get a "falling in love" feeling. When you associate a certain place or activity only with your partner, they start to become more special to you.
Randomly enough, this made me start thinking about my love of London. In London, I had many novel experiences, and I think this is part of what caused me to love it so much. I had a lot of new realizations about my life, including that I was asexual. The concept of unique associations also holds true. Immediately after returning from London in 2005, I had an episode of major depression for the first time. So I came to associate London with a "simpler time" when I was unburdened by serious mental health issues. As you're seeing, none of this has anything to do with the city itself. Maybe this can shed some light on why so many people fall in love with folks who seem "wrong for them" or just completely random.
But that's not to say there's any formula for love, either of people or of place. I had plenty of novel and meaningful experiences in Walla Walla, Washington, but I disliked it for three years, only coming to feel positively about it in my fourth and last year of living there.
In a couple of weeks, I'm going back to London, for the first time since 2005. I have no idea whether I'll love it as much as I once did, or whether it'll just seem like another place, albeit a very interesting one. There are definitely pros and cons to each outcome. I've been meaning to go back for years, but World Pride finally got me off my butt. I'm looking forward to meeting many, many asexuals. And since I might actually have internet access, maybe there will be some reports from the field!
This is also much longer than any trip I've ever taken by myself, but traveling alone is a single-person skill that I want to develop. So, we'll see how that goes. After 3 weeks of travel, hopefully I'll have some tips for any other folks embarking on similar journeys.
(Thanks for the comments, Ally! I meant to respond but time got the better of me. I remember you mentioning that you also love London, so hey!)
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Saturday, May 12, 2012
The HAP: Summer Edition!
It's starting to feel like summer here in the Bay Area, which makes young women's minds turn to...leg hair. Of course. The Hobbit Acceptance Project, by the way, is almost a year old now. I can finally say that my leg and armpit hair look normal to me...like part of my body, rather than some hideous alien invader. But this did take quite a while--at least six months.
I don't feel comfortable being hairy at work...maybe there are some jobs where it would be seen as okay, but mine wouldn't be counted among those. The past couple of weekends, I did have hairy legs on display, to no incident. That said though, if you can't have hairy legs at an Occupy picnic, a feminist meeting, or a vegan-cheese-buying expedition, where can you have them? Being hairy does require more thought for me. Some days I struggle with more anxiety than others, and can feel like everyone is staring at me. I have to check in with myself about how much I want to stand out or blend in, based on my emotional state and the nature of the day's activities.
And here's a post about someone doing a similar project, although theirs is called "The Experiment". Like this person, I was also told by a well-meaning relative to delay shaving my legs, since "once you start, you can't stop!" Free choice, eh? I think I was around 13. Maybe for the next generation, we can move into, "Well, if you don't want kids to make fun of you, you might want to shave, but once you're an adult, it'll be easier to do what you want." It's probably a good thing that I shaved as a teen, since the last thing I needed was one more reason to be bullied.
Elsewhere on the 'net, I heard a woman mention that reading stories from genderqueer people helped her to accept her body hair. To that I can say: Indeed. Reading the blog My Gender is Kittens, where the writer documents what they call a "femme beard", helped me move towards accepting my own. Believe it or not, I don't have any kind of mustache. But if you do...Majestic Legay. Style icon right there.
"It feels like the most femme thing for me...it's like resistance to the shame that I was made to feel because I had hair on my face...this mustache for me is a form of resistance...It's been a process of healing."
--Majestic Legay
I don't feel comfortable being hairy at work...maybe there are some jobs where it would be seen as okay, but mine wouldn't be counted among those. The past couple of weekends, I did have hairy legs on display, to no incident. That said though, if you can't have hairy legs at an Occupy picnic, a feminist meeting, or a vegan-cheese-buying expedition, where can you have them? Being hairy does require more thought for me. Some days I struggle with more anxiety than others, and can feel like everyone is staring at me. I have to check in with myself about how much I want to stand out or blend in, based on my emotional state and the nature of the day's activities.
And here's a post about someone doing a similar project, although theirs is called "The Experiment". Like this person, I was also told by a well-meaning relative to delay shaving my legs, since "once you start, you can't stop!" Free choice, eh? I think I was around 13. Maybe for the next generation, we can move into, "Well, if you don't want kids to make fun of you, you might want to shave, but once you're an adult, it'll be easier to do what you want." It's probably a good thing that I shaved as a teen, since the last thing I needed was one more reason to be bullied.
Elsewhere on the 'net, I heard a woman mention that reading stories from genderqueer people helped her to accept her body hair. To that I can say: Indeed. Reading the blog My Gender is Kittens, where the writer documents what they call a "femme beard", helped me move towards accepting my own. Believe it or not, I don't have any kind of mustache. But if you do...Majestic Legay. Style icon right there.
"It feels like the most femme thing for me...it's like resistance to the shame that I was made to feel because I had hair on my face...this mustache for me is a form of resistance...It's been a process of healing."
--Majestic Legay
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Whipping Girl
"Too much gender for one man to handle, when I all need is a one-night scandal."
--Akon...sort of
Let me tell you, pop-cultural blogs are eyestrain inducing, since we have to read or watch things and then blog about them. Recently I got a job (hurrah!) which for some reason made me get an eye exam. A few years ago, I was told I had 20/15 vision, which is "better" than 20/20. But now, when I covered up one of my eyes, everything was blurry! So yeah...it seems like the universe is conspiring against me when it comes to blogging more regularly. Although now I'm actually using a wireless keyboard, with my back to the screen. God bless technology. Well, sort of.
Anyway, this is the long way of saying that I'm sad I have to take frequent eye-breaks from my reading of Whipping Girl (which I can't yet do with my back to the book). It's really fierce and intelligent. Julia Serano is very persuasive; if I was having a debate tournament, I would definitely want her on my side.
 |
| [Image: Cover of the book Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity] |
One point the book has made so far is that rather than "smashing the gender binary" (which I've admitted I would like to do), what we really need to smash is gender entitlement. I don't want everyone to be androgynous, which is how, Serano tells me, "smashing the binary" can be interpreted. What I want is for the binary to not be so rigidly policed, so that people aren't judged for their gender expression, however they identify. The gender binary has caused me a lot of pain, to the point that I don't want to be associated with it. But when I speak about my distaste for the binary, I speak for myself alone.
This book might also illuminate to me why, while I feel genderqueer, I can't give up identifying as a woman. I see myself as a "genderqueer woman". Maybe this is too contradictory to be accepted by most, even though some would say it's possible to have more than one gender. The truth comes out in my discomfort with being referred to as a woman alone, by people who aren't aware of my complicated feelings about my gender. However, I am treated as a woman. My femininity is silly and frivolous, and my masculinity is some sort of aberration because it co-exists with my femininity. But why this scarcity mentality when it comes to gender? I want it all...the gender I was assigned/raised as, and then some.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
TW: The F-word, British for cigarettes
Hello! It's been a while, hasn't it? And it's been an especially long while since I've done any book reviews. This weekend I picked up a book called Why Are Faggots So Afraid of Faggots? The subtitle is important: "Flaming Challenges to Masculinity, Objectification, and the Desire to Conform". I'd read the other two anthologies by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore (Nobody Passes and That's Revolting), and enjoyed them, so I wanted to give this one a try as well. I'm only on the second essay, but I can tell that the book is going to be educational and thought-provoking (although, it should be said, some of the content is sexually explicit, if that bothers you).
The first essay is about a cruising website called Dads and Lads. Now that, I cannot relate to, but it did have some things to say that mirrored my own experience with online dating:
and also:
The example of this humble and by now much-maligned dropdown menu is an illustration of how the web is not neutral. The technologies that constitute the online experience did not appear out of thin air or descend from Olympus as gifts from the gods. They are not separate from culture, somehow innocent and pure, but as deeply intertwined with culture as an episode of The Hills. The design and functioning of online technologies is far from immune to racism, sexism, homophobia, and other social ills. (7)
It hadn't really occurred to me that people with more well-known orientations might have the same dropdown menu problem that I do (apparently I haven't been spending enough time on Dads and Lads). But dropdown menus seem to function similarly to those pants you try on in the dressing room. They don't fit, so you must be too fat. We seem to have this habit of blaming ourselves first, and once we've done that, it can be hard to see other options. If you want to be pissed off about dropdown menus, I'll stand behind you. It might seem "small", but you have a right to be frustrated about people who will sacrifice human diversity for some dating algorithm.
Although they may be different from my own life experience, reading these sorts of anti-assimilationist queer accounts often feels very refreshing to me. I feel like asexuals, myself included, are often hesitant to take up space. Like the "flaming faggots" in this anthology, we're often told that no one wants to hear about our sexuality. With gay men, the perception is that there's too much to tell, and with asexuals, there is presumably not enough. I would like to be flamboyantly asexual, although I'm still trying to figure out what that is. Books like this remind me that there's value in that attempt. As the introduction states, "Existing simultaneously outside queer and straight norms is liberating and constantly exciting in ways I had never anticipated". This sense of liberation and excitement is what I wish for us.
Expect a part 2 to this post!
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| [Image: The cover of the book] |
The first essay is about a cruising website called Dads and Lads. Now that, I cannot relate to, but it did have some things to say that mirrored my own experience with online dating:
Worse yet, [the dropdown menu] suggests there's something wrong with anyone or anything that doesn't fit into those clear-cut, self-explanatory, "natural" options. Sure, you can express in your profile's personal statements the scope of your sexual tastes and practices as fully and with as much imagination as the text field's character limit will accommodate. But when you first encounter that dropdown, when you first look at the choices available and note that there are none with which you cleanly correspond, there is a moment of creeping doubt, of uncertainty, of a nagging sense that there is something wrong with you. You should be one or the other. (D. Travers Scott, "Imagining a Faggoty Web", 6)
and also:
The example of this humble and by now much-maligned dropdown menu is an illustration of how the web is not neutral. The technologies that constitute the online experience did not appear out of thin air or descend from Olympus as gifts from the gods. They are not separate from culture, somehow innocent and pure, but as deeply intertwined with culture as an episode of The Hills. The design and functioning of online technologies is far from immune to racism, sexism, homophobia, and other social ills. (7)
It hadn't really occurred to me that people with more well-known orientations might have the same dropdown menu problem that I do (apparently I haven't been spending enough time on Dads and Lads). But dropdown menus seem to function similarly to those pants you try on in the dressing room. They don't fit, so you must be too fat. We seem to have this habit of blaming ourselves first, and once we've done that, it can be hard to see other options. If you want to be pissed off about dropdown menus, I'll stand behind you. It might seem "small", but you have a right to be frustrated about people who will sacrifice human diversity for some dating algorithm.
Although they may be different from my own life experience, reading these sorts of anti-assimilationist queer accounts often feels very refreshing to me. I feel like asexuals, myself included, are often hesitant to take up space. Like the "flaming faggots" in this anthology, we're often told that no one wants to hear about our sexuality. With gay men, the perception is that there's too much to tell, and with asexuals, there is presumably not enough. I would like to be flamboyantly asexual, although I'm still trying to figure out what that is. Books like this remind me that there's value in that attempt. As the introduction states, "Existing simultaneously outside queer and straight norms is liberating and constantly exciting in ways I had never anticipated". This sense of liberation and excitement is what I wish for us.
Expect a part 2 to this post!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Self-Love: Lessons from yoga & bad, bad cats
It's been almost a year since I first decided to be kinder to myself. I had been, as bell hooks puts it, an "emotional terrorist" (to myself) for much too long. I've written before about why self-love is important (check the tag), and I think it's especially important for people who are often told that there's something deeply wrong with them (like asexuals). The #1 thing I've learned about self-love is that it's a practice. It's not like loving another person, where one day, you might suddenly realize "I love them", and then from that point forward, you experience that love. One thing I like about yoga is that in classes, the teachers often refer a lot to "your practice", emphasizing that yoga is more of a process than something goal-oriented (like being able to do a certain pose). Self-love is like that.
For years, I've felt like I was fighting in an army, constantly trying to improve myself, but in some way, also at war with myself. I thought that if I improved myself enough, I would like myself. But now I see that it's the other way around. "Negative motivation"...you know, stuff like, "Work harder, you lazy slacker!" has never worked for me, and never will. Even if it "works" in the moment, you end up internalizing a lot of truly crappy ideas about yourself. I had the idea that if I didn't keep myself "in line", I'd somehow devolve into accomplishing nothing. But structure, which I need in order to achieve my goals, is not the same as having a mini-drill sergeant inside my head.
[Image: Shadow and Smokey, two fluffy kittens looking cute on a chair]
I also learned some lessons from cats. I love animals in general, but definitely have a soft spot for cats. From ages 6-19, I had a cat names Shadow. As a child, I had few human friends. Shadow, who would greet me at the door and then follow me around the house, helped me feel less lonely. However, he definitely had an attitude problem. He chewed up a large quantity of my clothes, had a habit of biting people's noses, and would pee on objects that had foolishly been left on the floor. Every night, he would commandeer my pillow, leaving me with only a few square inches to put my head. But I didn't have the heart to move him.
Sometimes I would get pissed off at Shadow...chewing my favorite sweater was a memorable misdeed of his. But, it was hard to be mad at him for more than a day. I wasn't in denial of his faults (some of them were even kind of hilarious) but I loved him anyway. For me, it was easy to love Shadow unconditionally. It's much harder to love myself that way, but it's what I'm aiming for. Thanks, Shadow (and fellow bad cats Smokey, Steve, Thomas, and Rosie).
This is getting long, but I wanted to say something about the phrase "Self love is radical!" I've heard it a lot, but it's never really explained. If it is indeed radical, then what makes it so? Maybe I'll try to do this in a future post.
For years, I've felt like I was fighting in an army, constantly trying to improve myself, but in some way, also at war with myself. I thought that if I improved myself enough, I would like myself. But now I see that it's the other way around. "Negative motivation"...you know, stuff like, "Work harder, you lazy slacker!" has never worked for me, and never will. Even if it "works" in the moment, you end up internalizing a lot of truly crappy ideas about yourself. I had the idea that if I didn't keep myself "in line", I'd somehow devolve into accomplishing nothing. But structure, which I need in order to achieve my goals, is not the same as having a mini-drill sergeant inside my head.
I also learned some lessons from cats. I love animals in general, but definitely have a soft spot for cats. From ages 6-19, I had a cat names Shadow. As a child, I had few human friends. Shadow, who would greet me at the door and then follow me around the house, helped me feel less lonely. However, he definitely had an attitude problem. He chewed up a large quantity of my clothes, had a habit of biting people's noses, and would pee on objects that had foolishly been left on the floor. Every night, he would commandeer my pillow, leaving me with only a few square inches to put my head. But I didn't have the heart to move him.
Sometimes I would get pissed off at Shadow...chewing my favorite sweater was a memorable misdeed of his. But, it was hard to be mad at him for more than a day. I wasn't in denial of his faults (some of them were even kind of hilarious) but I loved him anyway. For me, it was easy to love Shadow unconditionally. It's much harder to love myself that way, but it's what I'm aiming for. Thanks, Shadow (and fellow bad cats Smokey, Steve, Thomas, and Rosie).
This is getting long, but I wanted to say something about the phrase "Self love is radical!" I've heard it a lot, but it's never really explained. If it is indeed radical, then what makes it so? Maybe I'll try to do this in a future post.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Situational Friends, Part 2: Success!
Remember my situational friends? Recently, I've come out to two of them--people that happen to be ones I'd like to get to know better. One person discovered I was asexual through Facebook, which is a-ok with me. The other asked me about some of my activism experiences, and it only made sense to bring up the stuff I've done with asexual visibility. I gave them both AVEN pamphlets, and they seemed interested without making a huge deal about it. Success, I'd say!
And related, something I've realized about coming out as asexual (that is unique to lesser-known orientations): It really helps to mention, as early as possible, that you are not the only asexual in the world. As obvious as it may be to readers of this blog, many people will not be aware of the fact. Well-meaning but uninformed people may assume, unless they're told otherwise, that "asexual" is a word you made up to describe only yourself. Of course, if this was the case, it would still be worthy of respect, although sadly, that respect might be harder to get. Most people have no idea that asexuals have online communities and meetups. They're often very fascinated by this, and not in a bad way. When I've talked to people about my various interactions with other asexuals, they start seeing asexuality as more of "a thing". There's power in numbers, but those numbers don't necessarily have to be in the room with you. Sometimes just mentioning them is enough.
/Captain Obvious, signing out. But before I do, here's a link I found that's quite relevant to my last post on dating: Hi, I'm single, but I'm genderqueer and you don't know what that means. The title alone is just...yes. Awesome.
And related, something I've realized about coming out as asexual (that is unique to lesser-known orientations): It really helps to mention, as early as possible, that you are not the only asexual in the world. As obvious as it may be to readers of this blog, many people will not be aware of the fact. Well-meaning but uninformed people may assume, unless they're told otherwise, that "asexual" is a word you made up to describe only yourself. Of course, if this was the case, it would still be worthy of respect, although sadly, that respect might be harder to get. Most people have no idea that asexuals have online communities and meetups. They're often very fascinated by this, and not in a bad way. When I've talked to people about my various interactions with other asexuals, they start seeing asexuality as more of "a thing". There's power in numbers, but those numbers don't necessarily have to be in the room with you. Sometimes just mentioning them is enough.
/Captain Obvious, signing out. But before I do, here's a link I found that's quite relevant to my last post on dating: Hi, I'm single, but I'm genderqueer and you don't know what that means. The title alone is just...yes. Awesome.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Yearly Thoughts on Dating (Oy)
I'm putting this question out there: If you're not attracted to anyone, how do you choose who you're supposed to date?
Marinate on that one for a moment.
Every so often, I reassess the question, "Should I date?" Many asexuals do. I want to have some kind of life partner, and I've had no luck achieving this without dating. No matter how convincing the idea may seem though, my answer always ends up being "no". In fact, as time goes by, I only come up with more reasons not to date. I'd be willing to date someone specific, but don't like the idea of dating random people. I've been on online dating sites, the prime source of random people to date, and feel very put off by the supermarket-like feel of them. In my interactions with people from these sites, they were trying to judge me, and draw some specific conclusion, extremely quickly. I can understand why, since dating is a numbers game, but I couldn't help feeling like the process was so artificial. Then there's the whole "when to disclose asexuality" issue. Once in a while I go back on OKCupid, where I have an inactive profile, but I'm just like, "Oy. What am I thinking?"
However, this creates a contradiction: it's almost impossible for me to find a specific person to date when attraction is absent. Since I have experienced romantic attraction, however briefly and/or pointlessly, I'm able to know what I'd be "missing" in a relationship without it. I've tried to see if, in the event that I met more people, I might develop romantic feelings for someone. But I just ended up developing these feelings for someone whom I could never actually date. Maybe in time, after meeting many more people, I could find one person that I might have mutual romantic feelings with (numbers game!). Still, I wouldn't bet any money on it.
Nor do I know how to figure out what gender(s) to date, which makes online dating even harder than it already is. I don't think I would feel comfortable dating someone who is not committed to challenging gender roles (now, there's a tall order). I feel like dating would activate a bunch of gender dysphoria that I might otherwise be able to avoid. The thought of being seen as someone's "girlfriend", or as being in a heterosexual relationship, makes me feel a little sick. As described in this article, I do tend to see dating as "a threat to my gender identity". While I have a hard time choosing an exact label for my gender identity, I know what it is and isn't, and I feel strongly about it and its "integrity".
Like any social skill, dating takes practice. Practice that, as you know, I've never had. I don't think it's "too late" to start now. Because despite prevailing myths, people start dating at many different ages and there isn't some arbitrary age where you're "too old". What I don't know is whether it's worth the effort, and the huge amount of anxiety around dealing with people who may not respect my sexuality and gender.
Yes, my yearly thoughts ended up being mostly complaints; that's just how it goes sometimes. But this is also a minority report, in a way. I do want some kind of life partner, but (GASP!) it's not the most important thing to me, at least right now. That this could be a goal of only moderate importance is basically unknown to our culture. But of course, it's part of many people's lived experiences, asexual and also not asexual.
Marinate on that one for a moment.
Every so often, I reassess the question, "Should I date?" Many asexuals do. I want to have some kind of life partner, and I've had no luck achieving this without dating. No matter how convincing the idea may seem though, my answer always ends up being "no". In fact, as time goes by, I only come up with more reasons not to date. I'd be willing to date someone specific, but don't like the idea of dating random people. I've been on online dating sites, the prime source of random people to date, and feel very put off by the supermarket-like feel of them. In my interactions with people from these sites, they were trying to judge me, and draw some specific conclusion, extremely quickly. I can understand why, since dating is a numbers game, but I couldn't help feeling like the process was so artificial. Then there's the whole "when to disclose asexuality" issue. Once in a while I go back on OKCupid, where I have an inactive profile, but I'm just like, "Oy. What am I thinking?"
However, this creates a contradiction: it's almost impossible for me to find a specific person to date when attraction is absent. Since I have experienced romantic attraction, however briefly and/or pointlessly, I'm able to know what I'd be "missing" in a relationship without it. I've tried to see if, in the event that I met more people, I might develop romantic feelings for someone. But I just ended up developing these feelings for someone whom I could never actually date. Maybe in time, after meeting many more people, I could find one person that I might have mutual romantic feelings with (numbers game!). Still, I wouldn't bet any money on it.
Nor do I know how to figure out what gender(s) to date, which makes online dating even harder than it already is. I don't think I would feel comfortable dating someone who is not committed to challenging gender roles (now, there's a tall order). I feel like dating would activate a bunch of gender dysphoria that I might otherwise be able to avoid. The thought of being seen as someone's "girlfriend", or as being in a heterosexual relationship, makes me feel a little sick. As described in this article, I do tend to see dating as "a threat to my gender identity". While I have a hard time choosing an exact label for my gender identity, I know what it is and isn't, and I feel strongly about it and its "integrity".
Like any social skill, dating takes practice. Practice that, as you know, I've never had. I don't think it's "too late" to start now. Because despite prevailing myths, people start dating at many different ages and there isn't some arbitrary age where you're "too old". What I don't know is whether it's worth the effort, and the huge amount of anxiety around dealing with people who may not respect my sexuality and gender.
Yes, my yearly thoughts ended up being mostly complaints; that's just how it goes sometimes. But this is also a minority report, in a way. I do want some kind of life partner, but (GASP!) it's not the most important thing to me, at least right now. That this could be a goal of only moderate importance is basically unknown to our culture. But of course, it's part of many people's lived experiences, asexual and also not asexual.
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