Sunday, September 30, 2007

Don't Fear the Morass

I was having an IM conversation that went like this:

Paddles: so have u never been attracted to anyone? u dont have to tell me

Ily: I've been attracted to about 2 people

Paddles: but then u do get attracted to people

Ily: Yeah, I do, but it's like once every 10 years

Ily: I think that's different from most people

A few minutes before this, I was watching some of the old media videos on AVEN. You know, just trying to acquire some witty sayings for my interview this week. I heard a lot of, “I’ve never been attracted to anyone. At all. Ever.” I know that when you’re on national TV, it behooves you to speak in monolithic terms. But in case you’re wondering if that experience is true for all of us A-s…it isn’t. I have been attracted to people, albeit briefly. Most notably, to two guys who I’ll call W and E. Let’s have sharing and caring time:

Both W and E were friends of friends. I found them both extremely attractive, although if you asked me “in what way?” I couldn’t tell you. I always felt excited and schoolgirly around W, and had the strong feeling that I wanted him to be my boyfriend. What we would do when the lights went out is anyone’s guess, but there you have it. My experience with E was roughly the same, although I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him (one of my good friends liked him as well, and I was actually hoping they would get together). Also, this happened: For about 10 seconds, when we were sitting out in the park together, looking over at E caused me to have feelings I’d never had before. I was so confused that I described them in my journal. The next day, I went back and re-read what I’d written. I realized that I’d described sexual attraction. And yes, it lasted for under a minute. That was the only time I’ve experienced sexual attraction in my entire life. But it was there.

And another commonly asked question in interviews of asexuals: “If you could take a pill to make you sexual, would you do it?”
Of course, the brave Aces being interviewed always answer with a resounding “No!” In that situation, I would probably do the same. But here, in the relative seclusion of this blog, I can be honest with you. If someone offered me a ‘sexual’ pill, I’d have to think long and hard before giving an answer. But maybe I wouldn’t need the pill—perhaps being sexual is something that already lurks inside me. Maybe if I had been able to date W or E, we would have gone on to have a completely “normal”, wonderful heterosexual relationship. Or, since I was a closeted asexual at the time, it could have been a disaster.
I’ll never know.
One thing’s for certain: sexuality is a confusing, convoluted, tangled-up beast of a concept. I don’t think that calling it a “morass” would be over-the-top. Okay, maybe a little.
I guess everyone’s sexuality could change one day, but when people tell us “maybe you haven’t met the right person yet”, it seems painfully irrelevant—what about how we are right now?
I’m A right now, and I always have been. If it’s been contradictory at times, so what? That’s the nature of this crazy thing called sexuality.
But even if I realize, in two days or two decades, that I’m secretly heterosexual, I will always support the A-Team. Play on, players.


Heidi said...

I quite strongly relate to your "even if I wasn't A, I'd support them" -if I could take the sexuality pill, I'm not sure I would. Leaning hetero a-romantic but otherwise A is weird enough! No need for more distractions.

DJ Danjerous said...

Would the pill wear off? I'd go for a week, maybe a month just to see what it was like.

And I hear you, though I think that categorizing things cleanly as "sexual" and "nonsexual" gets dicey. If I flat-out wanted to boink someone (not that I do) for 15 seconds I don't know how it would compare to the kind of sexual attraction that most sexual people experience. The kind of thing you're talking about is essentially an oddity- it's not going to motivate you to do anything, it's not going to have any real impact on your life. That's world's away from sexuality being a desire that you need to actively explore, fulfill and celebrate.

Ily said...

Essentially an oddity...LOL, but true, I suppose. Sounds like a David Bowie song...

Anonymous said...

If I were asexual (I'm bisexual), I wouldn't take that pill.

I wouldn't take a pill to become monosexual, but I might take a pill to become asexual, I would have to think about it.